(Excerpt from diary.)

"Rebekah is going to be my new roommate. LeRisa (her roommate) and Sara (yep, my roommate) both would prefer to have rooms by themselves. So... Rebekah and I will be rooming together."

At first I was hurt when I learned that Sara wanted a room to herself. I did take it personally. I thought, Does Sara really dislike me that much? It hurt. But soon I remembered that she was an only child, and maybe she was just having trouble rooming with another person. And so I changed my opinion from a hurt "Am I that unlikable?" to an easy "Okay. Sara and LeRisa will be happy; that's good enough for me."

But I still hadn't talked to Sara about it. I wanted to talk to her personally, because that way I'd KNOW, by her tone of voice, etc., why she really wanted to move out. (Believe me, it works.)

So, with that in mind...

(Excerpt from diary.)

"Yaaay! I got things sorted out with Sara!!

She doesn't like being around people. That's her reason. I guess I understand... Her household consisted of her mom and herself. I, at least, had a sister to throw in the mix.

"(smile) I do envy Sara. How nice would it be to have an entire room to myself again! All that space... Lucky Sara.

"So anyway. Sara found out why I bought earplugs. :S She made me feel bad for not just saying I need the windown shut at night.

"Oh, and do you know what else? I'm so thankful for this! Last night at Bible Study (where we just did prayer requests all night), my other prayer request was this: 'I'm still struggling a lot with loneliness--here,' I said. My voice inadvertently broke and wavered; I couldn't believe I would cry so easily! Jenny laid her head on my shoulder, a sign of sympathy and sadness on my behalf. Jenny's so nice to have on this wing... 'And I just wish, sometimes, that I had a friend... that I could just go to when I'm down..." I had to stop there, or else I would start crying. A wavering voice was okay--it even added to the effect--but actual crying? Out of the question. So I quickly stopped it right there and moved on to my other prayer request (Nate and I).

"And now, just as we were talking, Sara told me: 'I'm really glad you're hanging out with Jenny this weekend.' And she meant it. She knew, suddenly, what it meant to me, from my speaking up yesterday.

"Do you know what a good feeling it is to be understood? And now suddenly Sara understands. It is so great.

"The same kind of thing happened at lunch, would you believe! Lauren (not RA Lauren) said hi to me when I was two people behind her in line. She actually turned around and said hi to me.

"And then we got 'separated' when we went to get our food. But as I stood searching the packed cafeteria for someone I would feel comfortable just going up to and sitting with, I was beginning to despair, and then I saw Lauren. She was waving to me. Inviting me to sit with her. And she all by herself, too! So she knew she'd risk awkwardness. And yet she still waved to me to come sit with her.

"I'm sitting here crying as I write this."

And I continued crying, harder and harder. I'd held it in for so long. It felt so good to just let go, stop holding back, and just cry. I wished someone would walk in and give me a hug. I wished I was brave enough to go into somebody's room and ASK for a hug. But I wasn't... The crying did help, though.

Continuing...

"I have been so lonely the last few days. Lonely to an intense degree that, frankly, frightened me. I would be walking from somewhere, back to my dorm, back to my room, back to seclusion--a place I didn't want to go back to--and on the way, I just sat down on the sidewalk, not even having the will to move.

"Diary, I didn't know loneliness was such a big deal to me until yesterday night or the night before when this happened. I didn't even want to move, to feel the brisk night blow across my face and brush away my loneliness for a moment! I only got myself to move by force--force driven by thought of cold, and bad people who might be walking around in the dark (on a Christian campus [rolls eyes]), not by a will to move."

(Excerpt from prayer journal.)

"Dear Jesus, That's the thing I have been holding back, deemed 'unimportant', a small detail I need to just overcome myself. Now I see You cared about that,too, the whole while. God, thank You for caring about me being lonely. Thank You for telling me to bring it up last night at Bible Study. Thank You for being You, Father. Yours always."

Okay. I think that's all I have to write for now. God does care about little things.

So, Angela, if you're reading about this--don't let yourself believe God doesn't care about things like finding that one person to love. He even wants to hear about THAT. :) So don't be afraid to tell Him what you really want, how you really feel about that. (Easier said than done, I know; just take it from someone who is in the middle of learning the same thing. :) ) Love ya!

-Stephanie

previous || next

Miss Something?

Social Anxiety with Guys - February 07, 2024

Education Expo with an ADHD Kid - February 03, 2024

Lovely Church Experience - October 22, 2023

Seek Out Community in Christ - August 29, 2023

Grieving Lost Friendships - May 08, 2023