(Some of this may not make sense to people.)

Father,

That sucked. (Forgive me!) Not the sleepover--the sleepover was great. Thank You so much.

But that phone call, Daddy... That was the worst. I didn't think it could ever hurt so much.

I guess I, stupidly, didn't foresee Nate pulling away from me so quickly. After all he said...

I guess that's what's really bothering me. That darn letter he wrote me... I do intend to bring it up to him. Maybe.

I can't believe I believed him. I believed him! I'm so frustrated at myself! Why did I let myself believe him?! That stinkin' caused a lot of unnecessary pain!

Oh, Father. I feel so stupid for deceiving myself like that... I can't bleieve, after all the fuss we made, I let myself believe he really did love me.

This is just a messy relationship, isn't it? Is that why You want me out so bad?

(sigh) Okay. Okay, God. If You really want me out that bad, I'll let You get me out.

No, Father, I lie. That's what You want to hear, that's not what I really mean.

If You really want me out of this, God, You're going to first have to change my heart. My heart doesn't want to let go.

Why does his?

Oh Father! I'm so confused about him. Why is he ready to let go all of a sudden? Is it because of me and the things I've said? That now I've taken back, regretted? Then why'd I say them anyway? Did I believe them then? Do I believe them now? Did I just, once again, deceive myself? And why? Always why.

I didn't like the fuss he made--the depression and all that. I hated it, in fact. I wanted him to stop; I didn't like his melodrama.

Now who's the one succumb to melodrama?

I wish I hadn't called him yesterday. Maybe then all this would be out of the way.

Oh, I miss you, Nate.

Him? Do I miss him, the boy who's pulling away from me?

(thinks) No. I miss him, the boy who thought he was in love with me. I miss what we had. We were so happy.

Why am I getting like this just now? He went through it more than a month ago!

'Cause now he's the one who's pulling away. Remember?

Yeah... I was the one who was pulling away a month ago.

God? Does this--the way we can't seem to totally let go--mean we're meant to be? Or am I chasing silly dreams?

Oh, it's just a dream.

God, why now, am I dreaming? I was never like this when we were going out. I was too logical for that. What happened to all the logic?

Must've disappeared with Nate's "love."

Oh God. Why did I ever let myself believe him?

Help me find some answers.

Love you, Jesus.

-Stephanie

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