I can't help but be worried to death for my friends who are making wrong choices. I ask myself, why? Why do I worry? What am I so fearful of?

Fearful that they won't make it to heaven. That's what terrifies me.

And there is no other word for it but terrified. It's almost an obsessive worry, and I know Jesus tells us not to worry--but do I listen? Not in this case. It's so hard to put into God's hands a literal life-or-death thing! I want to have the control--I want to be the one to make sure my friends get to heaven, because then I know they'll get there. Letting go of control and laying them in God's hands is one of the hardest things in the great wide world to do.

I'm battling it right now with my friend Nicole. With every e-mail I receive from her my heart aches and grows heavier. Oh, do I ever want her to make right choices... But I have no control! It'd be great if I could say, "Okay, don't EVER EVER EVER do this again! Never! Do you understand?!" {half smile} What kind of Christian loving example would that be?

Instead I write her in love, being as much as a friend as I can possibly be. I know it's the right thing, but I feel so helpless... so helpless.

Sometimes my prayers come out more like this: "God, You better know what You're doing here, 'cause I'm scared to death and I can't see You or see what You are doing or anything. So You better know what You're doing." It helps to say to Him. And I do know He hears. He especially hears the cries of the oppressed... And I guess worry is a form of oppression.

Sometimes I draw pictures on a Paint document when I'm worried, although Windows computers aren't nearly as equipped as Macs are for art. Scandalous. :) Sometimes I draw me, myself, the person in a position that shows what I'm feeling. Sometimes I just open the document and go nuts with colors. I use whatever colors I feel like using. Those usually help the most 'cause I'm not concentrating on what I'm feeling, just on getting it out.

Anyway. I wish I could--what's the phrase?--host my own images so I could put them on here sometimes. I'm not a Gold member, however, although, honestly, after (nearly) 3 years I really should start to consider it. :)

Another thing I do when I am so worried is write about it, like I've just done here. That nearly ALWAYS helps, and it has now. I am smiling again.

It's never good to frown all the time. Particularly when you're worried. Do something to make yourself smile. Don't let your worry grow deeper and deeper until you are suffocating under it. Look up... Looking up helps, too. Yesterday while at the ice skating rink, I felt depressed and looked down like a lot of people do when they're depressed. Try something else. Try looking up. Look up, up to God, who is there. You can't see Him so well when you're looking down. :)

That's my philosophy for the day.

Later,
Stephanie

Here's the picture that I drew today about Nicole:

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