(Sorry about the back-and-forth change in tenses, all you English people. To everyone else, sorry about writing yet another entry like this. I know I said I'd stop. :P )

I had a dream about Nate this morning. It followed a strange dream involving a big animal the color of Buffalo Chicken Wings and a mean black and tan dog. I was walking past what seemed to be a back porch surrounded by the plastic they use for windows in McDonald's playgrounds. There were people up there playing cards or talking and stuff. As I turned away and continued walking past, a boy seemed to notice me and got down on his hands and knees and crawled out of the opening on the end of the back porch, jumping down beside me. I think he said my name. He had this really weird reddish-brown wig on his head, a tad like an exaggerated Firmin hair (Phantom of the Opera), that almost matched his skin color. I squinted at him hard, wondering how in the heck I could know this stranger.

"Don't you recognize me?" he asked, and I realized it was him. But he looked so different that when I went to approach him for a hug it was slowly and uncertainly. He didn't seem to notice.

Neither did I, once I was in his arms. All those old feelings rushed back and swept me away.

"You're wearing a silly wig," I teased, in response to his question. "Of course I didn't realize it was you."

It was time for the hug to be over, but I stayed standing in his arms, and our faces were close. I stared, wanting, wanting, and then finally tore my eyes away. In doing so I saw a thin scar line on his cheek.

"What happened to your face?" I asked, turning back to face him and drawing a hand softly along the scar.

He explained it to me, and then we were stuck there, staring at each other. And it was too much.

I tore myself out of his arms and turned away. "I have way too many feelings for you," I murmured, more to myself than to him.

He threw his arms down to his sides in frustration. "I don't understand you! You act like you want to be together, and then you do this! You are so confusing!"

What I'm thinking is, I'm confusing to myself, too! But instead of saying so, I just look over my shoulder at him, shake my head--trying to clear it to get my thoughts in order--and walk a couple small steps away. If I could just get away--just get away to think--

But he never lets me do that. He followed me, pressing me to tell him what's going on. In doing so, he hits that ever-charged spark in my mind and I flame up and give him a glare. What sort of female devil am I? I wonder inside, and calm myself down again. "Well, I can sure tell you why I don't like you," I say. I turn to face him a little more. "But I sure can't tell you why I still like you."

At that moment, I thought in my mind--me, the real me, the waking me--Why do I still like him?

I'm still trying to think of a good answer. That's why I�m here.

~�~

Let's analyze this.

In my dream, I didn't recognize him fully till he had me in his arms. The minute he was holding me, all those old feelings swept back over me as if they'd never gone. And what were the feelings like? Extreme happiness... Like when we were dating. Dazed. Wondering how I could be so lucky. Wanting to be there in his arms forever. What is it? I mean, it's what they call "love", but what does it mean? It doesn't mean I want to be his wife! Good heavens, no. But then what does it mean? Does it just mean that I like being held--and that's it? Or does it mean I like having someone who will hold me?

And above all, how on earth do I explain this to Nate if I can't explain it to myself?!

And I'm going to see him tonight. That's what hurts.

You know what I'd like to do right now? I'd like to forget his faults. I'd like to forget we ever ended our fling. I'd like to forget this whole last YEAR of emotional insanity and run back to him.

Then my logic comes back to me. Nate? Nate, that clingy, immature boy? Nate, that kid who is convinced that feelings equal a love that's for ever? Nate, that boy who hasn't even got a mature relationship with God? Nate, that boy who I'd rather be a sister to than a girlfriend?

Of course, that would never work, because of the whole "Please hold me!!!!" thing.

Does it seem like I need to find another guy to get my mind off this boy? It sure seems like that to me. Yet, I know what some people would say: Don't run to another guy, run to God.

I don't know how anymore.

I've had this growing feeling that I need to get back to reading the Bible. I've been trying, but it's difficult. I just don't know where the best place to go would be to get my mind away from stuff... It�s like French: if you're out of practice you start to forget things. I haven't read the Bible regularly in a long time and I'm starting to forget where good verses and passages are.

But I'll find something...

-Stephanie

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