Diary Entry--picked up at the part worth picking up at.

A third part of the dream that I remember was Beth's engagement. Go figure. There's just too much of that stuff going on. Bekah's married now, Camila will be married in a couple of weeks, Liz is planning on getting married in another couple years, Lora's engaged, Melissa will be getting married at the end of this year, and now I've even heard rumors that Mary is engaged. Oh, yes, and then there's Angela, who really wants to marry Andrew, and Rebekah who really thinks Alex is the guy for her. Where did all this come from? And why am I still alone?

Even going to Beauty and the Beast with all my lovely free women last night didn't help.

You know, I think half of it is just because I don't know these girls who are engaged/engaged-to-be-engaged well enough to know exactly how they feel about their relationship with their fianc� of fianc�-to-be. It's all sort of unreal because I'm hearing it secondhand. Let me clarify that... Angela and Rebekah and Melissa and Camila and Liz all told me themselves about how they feel, but I haven't been around, watching the relationship grow, and it just seems like none of it's real; they're just kidding... or something. I don't know quite how to explain it.

All I know is I'm feeling really, really hurt and I don't know why this isn't happening for me, too.

You know, I only pretend to be anti-guys/anti-relationships, just to mask the pain. Two kinds of pain: 1) pain from regret from the disastrous part of my relationship with Nate and 2) pain from watching others find the loves of their lives...while I stand alone.

I guess it's selfish, but it hurts so much. And people don't understand. At least, Angela and Natalie don't seem to. I've never let anyone else see my real face.

Even Jenny doesn't really understand, but that's because our views are so different. I wish I could find someone who understands. But it's okay. I can survive on my own.

It's funny how...shy people like me and Glena...long to find someone who understands...but decide there isn't anybody and so we turn inside ourselves. I'm sure Glena struggled with this when she was in college.

It must be part of growing pains. In high school, I felt like I could always rely on my mom or my grandma or my grandpa to understand. But now I'm growing up and my issues have outgrown the comfort of a mom's "It happens to everyone; it will clear up soon" or a grandpa's, "Everything will be okay; I'm here."

What do I need? I think what I need is an understanding friend or to find that guy who will love me no matter what. But what I really need is an all-powerful, all-loving, steady God.

I've been...not avoiding Him, but not talking to Him. I've been self-reliant. "Self-sufficient" as Jen told me last year. It's going to be tough getting back to relying on God, but if that's what I need to get through this, that's what I want. And I don't think He'll mind if I'm selfish for a little while, if it'll help me to rely on Him.

So I'm gonna go to God right now and try to be honest with Him. It'll be difficult, 'cause I've been out of practice, but hopefully it'll help.

Have a good day, mon amie..

But tree, I have seen you taken and tossed,
And if you have seen me when I slept,
You have seen me when I was taken and swept
And all but lost.

That day she put our heads together,
Fate had her imagination about her,
Your head so much concerned with outer,
Mine with inner, weather.

-Stephanie