Today I was going through a word document I made a while ago. I put all the lyrics to many songs I love on it. I came across the words to a song by Stacie Orrico, �Don�t Look at Me.� I was reminded of another song by the same girl... �Everything.�

I pondered for a second. I�d never actually learned the words to that song. Should I look up the words, to put in this document of song lyrics? I contemplated this idea a few minutes. It could be that the song was not anything as I had imagined it! Maybe I should take a genuine look at the lyrics and see what they really said.

But there was, of course, the other possibility: It could be just as I imagined it, or even worse.

The unknown is indeed one of a person�s worst fears.

For those of you who don�t know... Which, I guess, would actually be all of you... I suppose I should clear things up a bit. In January of last year, Beth -- you all remember her, I suspect? :) -- and I were in the very beginning -- indeed one of the thickest parts -- of the ordeal that practically cost me 6 months of life last year. She was still trying to clear up to me what exactly she and Justin �had.� She tried to tell me, through the song �Everything�, that she was still waiting on God to tell her who her soul mate was.

Unfortunately... I didn�t understand this at all. If you�ve ever heard that song, the beginning lines go something like, �I prayed that one day I would find a boy who I could tell my dreams to...� Something like that. If that�s pretty inaccurate there, I�d not be terribly surprised, because, you see, I heard the first part -- which I know says something in the essence of �I prayed that I would find a boy� -- and instantly assumed the direction the song would take. In the end, I foresaw, she would find this boy she prayed for that she would spend all her life with, and they would get married, and live happily ever after.

At the same time I assumed this I already knew Beth was trying to tell me something with the song. Can you imagine my reaction?

After only a few lines, I pulled the headphones off my head and burst into tears. What a mess I made, in the middle of a van full of people, a normally composed girl suddenly crying her eyes out! Beth was the most affected, the poor thing. She didn�t understand why I was crying -- she had just been trying to help me understand where she was in life.

That was almost about a year ago. Now, back to the lyrics document.

I tried to picture myself finding the words on that excellent lyrics search site, reflecting on the event I just described... If the song ended just as I thought it would... No. I couldn�t do it.

So, the devil still roams today. He�s trying to keep me from facing past experiences-- he�s doing a very good job at it. :(

I wonder if I should go look up those lyrics, just to defy him?

No. I am too scared. But someday...

-Stephanie