I don�t often write about spiritual things, but today I need to get some thoughts and questions down.

Grandpa and I (and Grandma a little, too :) ) had a big discussion on theological doctrines yesterday. I learned a LOT about different Protestant churches� beliefs, including Nazarene beliefs.

That�s what�s troubling me. I learned that the Nazarene church believes in �second blessing holiness.�

Does that sound as strange to you as it did to me? :)

Anyway. Basically that�s believing that you gain holiness after you become a Christian� not when you become a Christian, not after you die� just in your relationship with God here on earth. Grandpa also informed me that you can�t make it into heaven without holiness� there�s a verse that says, �Be ye without holiness, ye cannot see God� or something close to that. And God calls us to holiness. I know that verse: �Be ye holy, as I, your Lord God, am holy.�

I didn�t know you had to gain holiness to get to heaven, though. THAT was news to me.

Then Grandpa told me what holiness is. I think I have this right� you can only be holy if you wholly commit yourself to God. Wholly�entirely�completely.

Then I got scared.

It�s interesting when something you�re afraid of is finally confirmed.

Wholly�entirely�completely conform yourself to God�s will. That would mean some things would have to change in my life.

Why hasn�t this ever hit me before?

So last night I laid awake in bed, trying to see if I could scratch up enough courage to entirely commit myself to Christ. The more I considered the prospect, the more worried and scared I got, the harder it was to make the decision. Questions and fears kept piling up in my head. I couldn�t do it. I still can�t.

That would mean a BIG change in my life concerning how I treat my family, and some other people, too, maybe.

That�s why it�s so tough. I�m horrible to my sister. What would she think, what on earth would she say if I started treating her with.... respect?

Hm. Now a bunch of verses are coming to mind. "How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?" No wonder.

Now that I look at it, I treat Sam as if she�s lower than the dirt off my feet. Yikes! :O That�s a scary concept.

"Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord' but do not do what I say?"

"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven....Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'"

You see the turmoil I�m in? I know what�s right to do, but I can�t do it.... for fear. But fear of what? What could there be to fear if I choose to follow God and alter my lifestyle accordingly?

I guess I�m too afraid of change. But again, what is there to be afraid of in change? What�s so bad about it? Why am I so afraid?

This whole deal reminds me of all the verses about being refined by fire. If I change my lifestyle, would the fire be Sam mocking me, as I have mocked her in the past? She would think I was just faking it, acting, and things would go back to �normal� soon. And maybe, because she expected it.... I�d cave. Then it would all be completely pointless.

How do I take baby steps in that situation? I don�t want to be mocked. I don�t want to cave, either.

But if things weren�t ever difficult, I couldn�t break the habit. Right? Of course. Refiner�s Fire. Of course.

This is why it�s such a hard step to take.

I wonder who I could talk to? Steve? Oh, man, I�d be so terrified to talk to Steve about it!

Geez, what an awful spot. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, as they say.

But you can climb up onto the Rock and stand on it.

Hmm.

-Stephanie

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