I figured out why I write in here. I need someone to listen to me.

Since I've started going to counseling, I realized that I just need somebody to listen to me sometimes. My counselor sits and just lets me talk... She only asks questions after I've finished talking, and when I do stop talking she asks questions. (I'm always afraid of awkward silences.) I tell her my opinions of myself and other people and situations, and she asks me questions that help me see outside my self-box in a non-offensive way.

I started going because of the awful few weeks I had right before my birthday. Things got better the week of my birthday, and the problems of the weeks before faded away. Julie said, "So, things in your life seem to be going pretty well now. Is there anything else you think you need to talk about, or...?"

The very concept of stopping the sessions stunned me.

I need to go. Even though I don't have really big problems, I really need someone to just listen to me sometimes, without feeling an invisible pressure to explain myself. Just...someone who lets me talk, like she does.

Except I only see her once a week. And some days, like today after Research Writing, I need somebody right then. Or I feel like I do anyway... I didn't have anybody, and I managed, so I guess I shouldn't classify it as a "need."

I think Julie would suggest finding a real friend I could talk to. I think that's a very reasonable idea. That...would be really hard, though. I just don't open up to people very easily. I only open up to Julie because we enclose ourselves in a room and shades the windows, and I feel safe. I feel like nobody else is going to hear what I'm saying... And in that environment, I can open up to people.

Not opening up to other people comes from relying only on myself--my lovely Republican belief of "pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps." That's a nice principle... But we need other people, too. Mom instilled that idea into my head though, just by the life she lived. She never told me, "Rely only on yourself," but when we were in need of money, and I would suggest--because this is true and I thought it was a good idea and na�vely thought Mom did too--that Grandma and Grandpa would be willing to help, and Mom would reply something along the lines of, "I don't need charity."

Today at 1:00 I checked Blackboard to make sure I really didn't have homework for my Research Writing class at 2:20. I discovered two hours' worth of work that I had stupidly not remembered last night as I was exploring iTunes' music sharing. I was devastated. I have forgotten way too many things for that class. I feel like a terrible student, but I feel like I'm really close to my breaking point. Did I use the rubber band analogy in here? That's how I feel: like a rubber band being stretched till it's close to breaking. This is why I am NEVER EVER TAKING NINETEEN CREDITS AGAIN! Seriously... The stress is absolutely not worth it.

Eck... I'm going to go check my MySpace messages... I have a new one from a girl that I offended... I really don't want to read it, but it has to be done sooner or later... :S Good Lord, be with me.

Thank You, God. She's no longer offended.

Well, I've become distracted, and need to go get dinner... So off I go... ::singing softly to self:: "Stress, stress, go away; never come another day."

-Stephanie