Wow. I can't believe we just had that discussion.

An (engaged) friend of mine named Lora and I got to talking about boys and relationships tonight at dinner... Don't ask me how... LOL... But it turned into a long, long discussion and I can't believe how much I told her! I told her more than I tell 99.9% of the people I talk to! I mean, I talked about Nate and the effect that all has had on me and I talked about being anti-relationships and I talked about all the whys and wherefores... I have never, ever had such an open-hearted discussion with somebody. I mean, Jenny and I have GREAT, deep discussions about boys so much, but I don't even tell her as much about Nate as I told Lora!

Know why this happened? Because she asked. She asked all the right questions in the right way--they were so unobtrusive and just curious, but the tone was just curious enough for me to, like, unload everything I've kept inside for the last couple years.

I couldn't believe the things she brought up. For instance, after I'd told her about my being anti-relationships, she asked me the most amazing thing: "So... Last year, when you were anti-relationships... What did you think of Andrew and I?" (Andrew is her fianc�.) She ASKED that! Most people wouldn't want to know! I seriously cannot believe how open she was with me about her thoughts, and it made me way, way more comfortable with being open with her.

And this is all funny because I just checked out a book from the library this weekend called Dropping Your Guard: The Value of Open Relationships by Chuck Swindoll. It's funny how God times things sometimes. :D

I just can't believe she wanted to know. Who on earth really wants to know your thoughts? I mean, I subject you guys to listening to all my thoughts, LOL, but nobody asks... I'm gonna send Lora a thank-you card... She might think that's weird... But then again she might not. I can't believe how open she was with me! Wow! Who in the world wants to know your thoughts?

Oh, gosh, I hope I'm not bursting anyone's bubble and ruining their beliefs that everyone wants to listen to what they say... I'm sorry about that, but quite honestly, in my life I have seen that not many really want to know what your thoughts are. Jenny and I have deep discussions because we like to bounce thoughts off each other. But I don't think we really listen listen. It's like a skit I saw my church do once. I'll reenact it--I truly have NO idea what any of the lines were, but I remember the general thoughts. Let's name my characters Emily, Brad, Tricia, Len and Kelly. Tricia will be the one trying to find someone to listen to her. Brad is her husband. Kelly is her best friend. Let's make it that she's just under a lot of stress from various places.

Tricia sitting in a chair, all alone by herself, crying. In walks Kelly.

Kelly: Hi Tricia! Gasp. Oh, honey, what's wrong? Sits beside her with an extremely sympathetic look.
Tricia (sniffing): Well... It's just that things have been so stressful lately... My job, Brad--
Kelly (sympathetic gasp): Oh, no! Are things really bad with Brad? Are you guys okay? What's wrong?
Tricia: No, no... Nothing serious... We just had a little fight over budgeting...
Kelly (relieved but still sympathetic look): Oh, good, nothing serious. Well, honey, I've got to go. I do hope things get better for you. I'll put you on my prayer list.
Tricia (nodding sadly): Okay. Yeah, you probably have to go... Thanks for talking to me...
Kelly (smile): Anytime, hon, anytime. I'll see you later. Leaves.

In walks Brad. Stops, looks at her. Tricia looks up hopefully.

Brad (walking over, looking sheepish; sits down): Look, hon, I'm sorry about last night.
Tricia: Me, too. We shouldn't have fought.
Brad (nodding): I shouldn't have gotten so upset. I still feel bad. Grasping her hand in earnest. I'll make it up to you, all right? Maybe we can go out for dinner tonight?
Tricia (hopeful expression freezes in place; alters slightly to make one of concern): Well, the kids...
Brad (as if he hadn't thought of it): Oh, yeah... We'd have trouble finding them a babysitter tonight. Well, maybe we'll go out sometime?
Tricia (expression falls; eyes go back down: Yeah. Sometime.
Brad (kind smile): All right. I'm glad we're okay now.
Voice from another room: Hey, Brad! Get in here, game's on again!
Brad (to voice): All right! (kindly, to Tricia) Back to the game. Gives her a peck on the cheek and leaves.

Tricia rests her chin on her hand and sighs; sniffs as her thoughts return to her circumstances. Tricia rests her chin on her hand and sighs; sniffs as her thoughts return to her circumstances. Becky walks in.

Becky: You look upset. What�s wrong?
Tricia: Oh� Brad and I had a little fight yesterday. It wasn�t big, but it still hurts.
Becky: Oh, I know exactly how you feel! The other day my boyfriend and I fought and I was so scared. I thought it was the end of our relationship! It was bad. I�m still scared because we haven�t really made up yet, it�s just kind of under the rug for the moment.
Tricia: I know how that feels...
Becky: Yeah.
Tricia (after a moment): But it�s not just Brad... I feel like I'm failing at my job. Just trying to keep up with all the work... It�s overwhelming.
Becky (big-eyed, nodding): Uh-huh. So�s my job. I mean, the kids at the daycare get so aggravating sometimes. I don�t know how I�ll ever be a mom!
Tricia: Oh... You�ll be fine.
Becky: Well, I sure hope so, but here�s the thing...
Boyfriend�s Voice: Hey! Becky! Come join us!
Becky (suddenly smiling): Oh, there�s my little honey-bun! Hey, thanks for talking to me.
Tricia (half-laugh, small shake of head): No problem.

Becky runs off, smiling obliviously, to the other room. Len walks in, stops.

Len (quietly): Hey, Trish.
Tricia: Hi, Len.
Len: Heard you're having kind of a rough day.
Tricia: Yeah...
Len (awkwardness sets in): The, uh, game's on if you want to come watch. Get your mind off things a little, maybe?
Tricia (turning her eyes to look at him; gives a quiet sigh): No. Thanks, though.
Len: Oh... Well, all right then. See you later. Walks away.

Tricia returns to former position with another sigh. Emily comes into view. Raps lightly on the wall.

Emily: Can I come in?
Tricia (glancing up; half-heartedly): Sure.
Emily (serious expression, gentle tone): What's going on?
Tricia's face contorts as tears smart in her eyes. She sniffs. Emily walks a little quicker and sits beside Tricia and puts an arm across Tricia's shoulders and holds her. Tricia cries.

I think, most of the time, people do care. I think they just don't know how to show it. Like, at all. It honestly would help a lot if people could slow down enough to take someone's real feelings seriously. (Reread that sentence again. Slowly.) I think a lot of times, especially at college, but also in other areas of life, people are so insanely busy that they just give a half-hearted "How are you?" when they see someone and then try to brush it off if the person gives a half-hearted "all right" back.

"All right." Wow. I just looked at that phrase. "All right"? That means "everything right." That is so not even what I mean when I say "all right." I mean so-so, things could be better, mediocre, things are NOT all right. Why do we say "all right"?

I just told my roommate what I just wrote about "all right" and a funny thing happened that totally goes with what I'm saying. I said, "When I say 'all right' I just mean so-so, things could be better, things are not ALL right."

Jenny looked down thoughtfully. She was trying to analyze what I was saying to see if I was giving another message underneath--like things are not all right with me right now (which they aren't, exactly). But despite my inner feelings, I went and made it easy for her. "That's just so weird," I said in a casual tone that gave an excuse to end the topic.

"Yeah," she agreed, and we both turned back to our computers.

So why did I act the way I did? I acted the way I did:

1. Because I don't want to seem to be someone who talks about my problems all the time,
2. Because Jenny and I both have homework to do and don't need to get into a deep conversation right now, and
3. Because after a pattern of closed relationships--even with the open one today with Lora--I can't get myself to be that open with people.

Strange, eh?

I'm not sure how to end this. Give me your thoughts... There we go, that's a nice, safe ending (O the irony). What do you all think (all three of you, I'm sure :) )? Am I expounding truth or doling out all nonsense? Have you had experiences with people not really wanting to know how you are? How'd you deal with it? Do you talk to somebody? What do you think?

Love you all,
Stephanie

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