Afternote before: This entry written before (and then after) Dj wrote me a note. Thanks Dj. :)

So no one reads my diary. I have to say, it didn't come as much of a surprise. I'm pretty new. I wonder how Becky and Chantal got so many readers? They probably told their friends, actually. I'm afraid to tell my friends... They might think it's dumb I keep an online diary for all the world to see. But I do change the names. But then they might think it's dumb that I change the names, if they're the only ones reading it anyway. Hmm... I never thought of that. Maybe I can reveal their real names...

I wonder why Chantal denied me access to her diary? And who she did allow access to?

LOL... I haven't written about Bryce much in here. Funny things have happened at school since the last time I mentioned him. :) It makes life interesting, having a guy friend two years younger than you. Especially if you've never had a guy friend before.

He has lots of girl friends (that is, girls who are friends) and is very friendly. So he doesn't think anything of it when he touches my shoulder or something when I'm looking into my locker. Little does he know, every time he does that my emotions go off like a rocket. :) I've never been touched by a guy before, except that one time when Tim put his arm across my shoulders... And that was horrible beyond words!! So this is a completely new sensation.

So far it's really nice to be friends with a guy. At least, a trustworthy guy. Tim was anything but trustworthy!! He has some sort of aura about him. He's too forward, and it puts girls like me on their guard. But Bryce is easy to trust.

Do you know what? I found out the answer to one of the great mysteries of life: why people who have gone to church a long time seem more mature than those that have avoided, or at least not gone to, church for a long time. It's because often a sense of immaturity is given off by people who always put themselves first-- or the reverse, a sense of maturity is given off by people who do not put themselves first. For in church you learn to put God first in your life. Or at least others first!

LOL, so that's semi-pointless... But HEY. I solved one of the great mysteries of life! How cool is that? :)

I've got to write in this diary more often... It must be pretty boring coming in here and finding the same entry for, like, a month.

Well, I do have some new news concerning Beth and Justin (I haven't written about them in forever!!). It requires going back a couple weeks.... A few weeks ago-- April 12, to be exact (I recorded the date in my real diary) --I was at a dress rehearsal for our Easter performance. Justin was there, too. He was there in place of Adrien-- she's stage crew but couldn't come that day. (If you're lost on the names, Deej, check my cast page-- which also needs to be updated! :p ) Well, I'd been doing pretty decently for a while around him. Kind of distant, but I was doing okay. But for some reason that day, I didn't want to face him. At all. I just got this onslaught of pain when I looked at him.

Well, once I had to go past him to go down to the choir room and redo my lipstick. I really wished I wouldn't have to go by him, but he stayed in one place, and a scene I was in was coming up. So I decided to brave it and go by him. I wasn't very brave, though... As I came toward him, he looked up and I ducked my head real low, hiding behind my hair, and went past him as quickly as my feet could carry me. Don't talk to me, don't talk to me, don't talk to me, I willed him. He didn't talk to me.... But I know he saw the look on my face before I ducked my head.

That was a Saturday. Two weeks later, Easter was over and so were the Wednesday night practices, so I could attend Youth Group for the first time in a long time. But in those 2 weeks, the feeling of terrible hurt around Justin had not diminished, and when I saw him there at Youth Group they started coming back.

But I didn't want to let it stop me from having a good time. I stood with my arms crossed loosely and feet wide in a content stance, talking and laughing with a friend. All was right with the world.

And then I glanced across the room.

Justin had the same posture.

You know, I would've been fine with it, I really would've..... If he hadn't seen me right when I saw him. His expression fell in time with his arms, and he turned a little more away from me.

It was a shock to me. Justin does not act like that! He treats everyone the same.... And now this. What had I done?!

That's when things started getting a little... weird. I worried about the event all week. I need to talk to him,I decided. We can't both go on treating each other like this! But I was still unsure as to whether it was a good idea or not. What did I know? Maybe he'd just put his arms down and turned away in normal slight embarrassment. But, no, that couldn't be it... Worry, worry, worry.

I finally decided I needed to talk to Beth first. I wanted to know how much of this... tension... Justin had mentioned, or maybe just alluded to her. I needed to know where he stood, so to speak, before I talked to him.

Well, of course, being me, I was too scared to pull Beth aside anytime I saw her. I would always rationalize-- "Oh, she's in a good mood, I don't want to ruin it", or simply, "Now is not the right time."

But after last night at youth group, I knew I had to act.

Last night (I'll make this short, I promise) when we drove up to the Student Center, I saw Justin and Steve talking on the railing outside the Center. Oh, fantastic! I thought. How am I going to act toward him?? Luckily Steve was in a laid-back mood and chatted easily with me. I watched Justin out of the corner of my eye.

He turned his head away the whole time, putting himself out of the conversation. That was totally un-Justin-like, for sure. No "coincidence" there.

So... I knew I had to do something. After youth group I called Beth and talked to her a little about how I had been acting, and a little about how he had been acting. I was scared to death the whole conversation, but at least I was doing something! At least I was letting her in on what was going on. Two heads are always better than one, no matter how hard it is to get another head. :)

Well, we didn't come to much of a conclusion. We both just decided we would pray about it. Do you know how nice it is to have a prayer partner? Well, it's even nicer when the girl or guy is all-accepting, even if she or he is tangled up in the mess you're praying yourself out of! :D As I wrote in my diary yesterday... That girl is a treasure.

The coolest thing about the whole phone call was the feeling I got afterward. I was just contemplating the conversation, writing thoughts down in my diary, when suddenly I got a feeling like God was pouring tons of confidence into me. I just felt assured that it was all going to work out. And a verse came to mind, and nearly knocked me over with it's accuracy of how I was feeling! :) Philippians 1:6: "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it onto completion until the day of Christ Jesus." It was way, way cool... I just know everything's going to be all right.

God has given me a window
And I can finally see the light
And though I felt like going under
I know it's gonna be all right, yeah yeah

:D

-Stephanie