Well, that was a grand disaster.

Today in my Lit for Secondary Schools class, I had to play teacher. We do that every few weeks. Half of us write 10-minute lesson plans and teach them to the class and Prof F gives us advice and tips based on how our "class" acted and how we handled it and how to get attention, etc..

I don't feel like relaying the details of my lesson; it's too horrible right now. I didn't do very well.

A funny thing happens whenever I get up in front of people. I perform, I get off stage, I sit down, and block out everything for the next few minutes. I go onto autopilot. I act happy and respond right and everything, like someone with a temporary brain injury. It doesn't last long. Eventually I have to cry, and that's what happened today. I broke down after my performance. I'm like my old blue car. Dare me to do something out of my character and I'll give it a try, then ultimately break down.

Prof F thought he had offended or hurt me. Such was not the case. I appreciated the advice he gave me, very much. I wish I'd been able to listen to it all the way through. Fate put a stop to my memory and pulled tears out of my eyes.

I left the room. Jana, who sits next to me--I love you, Jana--whispered to me, "You can leave" when she saw the tears rolling down my face at an ever-increasing rate. I nodded, and left. I went into the nearest dark, empty room and cried my heart out. I could've picked a better room... This one was uncarpeted and my sobs echoed off the walls and floor and out into the hallway. I hope I didn't interrupt any classes.

After getting all that cramped-up emotion out, I went into the bathroom and got me some toilet paper. I cried a little more, but in my brain a cool peace was opening up, expanding with the words Try, try again. You fall down and you pick yourself back up. You get it right. That's what keeps me going after each breakdown I face. You try that again. Some day you'll be strong, but you've got to try, try again. Refuse to fail. Don't start anything without following through and finishing it.

That's why I'm not changing my major. Don't start anything unless you're going to finish it. Not sure where I got that mentality, but it's what gets me through things I don't want to do. Guess it works. Everyone's got their own little thing. ::shrug:: I'm off to do my Switzerland project, which is due tomorrow... Au revoir.

-Stephanie