Yay for coffee with Kevin tonight! :) He's easy to be comfortable around. And we're a lot alike, which makes it easy to talk. Gosh, I'm glad there's Kevin to talk to. He's saved me from being terrified of guys and of being friends with them.

I keep attributing this sudden onslaught of guys talking to me to God. Which probably means He's trying to teach or tell me something with it. I keep playing with ideas about what it might be. It's just...exciting. I feel like... I feel several things. I feel like God's providing this opportunity to me to get to know guys outside of a romantic relationship for...a thousand reasons. I feel like God's fulfilling my everlasting dream of becoming friends with guys and starting a relationship in that way. I feel like He's teaching me to be comfortable with them, which, obviously, is something I'll have to do before I get married. Or before any other romantic relationship. I feel like He's teaching me in the way I wanted what I'd like in a husband.

Anyway, I don't know what God has in mind. I know what I think He has in mind--but as they say, "if you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans." :) So I'm just excited to see what God does with this, and I am thankful that I'm getting what I wanted--a chance to be comfortable around guys--whatever God plans to do with it. :) Thanks, Abba.

I'm happy.

-Stephanie

---

Dear Diary,

AGH. That did not go quite how I'd expected it to. :S

"Coffee" (I got a hazelnut steamer, he got chai tea) was fine. We went at 8:00 and chatted about random stuff. It was a little awkward, because we were side by side instead of across from each other, which makes it difficult to look at a person. But other than that, it was fine.

After "coffee", some kids from our Sunday School class (we both go to College Church) to do this Thursday night small-group things. One of them--Jeff--shows a short video from a series and then they discuss it. Kevin and I decided to join the group. That was neat. The group wasn't very small, though--10 people--and I couldn't open my mouth and say all the things that crowded my head as we discussed. If the group were smaller I would've been okay--but 10 pairs of eyes staring at me? ::shudder:: Too much attention all at once. So I sat and jotted down notes. Didn't say a word in all the discussion. I hope I get to go again and actually talk one of these days.

Driving back to campus, Kevin and I just chatted some more. I was more comfortable on the way back than I had been on the way there. I guess 'cause the night was over and I'd be retreating to my safe room soon. :) It was at the end of the car ride that things went "wrong." (Wrong is a relative term here.)

"We should do this again sometime," said Kevin.

"Sure," I said, thinking in probably another month I'd be ready to hang out with him again one-on-one.

"How about next Saturday?"

Next SATURDAY!?!?!! Hold it, pause, stop right there!

Since Nate, I have completely revolutionized my view on dating to "informal, not serious." I think that's the perfect set up for a relationship. And Kevin... Well, Kevin's a lot like Nate. And a lot like me. Serious. He'd take things fast, emotionally, which is EXACTLY the mistake that I WILL NOT make again.

So back to the car. I don't know why I couldn't articulate all this to him there. Instead I just went silent for a moment. And of course Kevin picked up that something was not right and pounced on it. "What?" he asked.

I tried to explain. I really did. I did a terrible job and could not get the words out of my mouth that I just put in here. I ended up saying, "I usually don't plan things that far ahead. How about...keep in touch, and ask me again next week, and I'll see if I can or if I feel like it." WHAT A LAME, BLUNDERING EXCUSE. Oy, it was terrible.

I've got to tell Kevin what reservations I have and why. I need to explain to him that I don't want to get into a relationship right now. I want to keep it low-key.

In fact, Diary, I'm not even sure I want to start a relationship with him. Ever. He's just not... I just don't like him that way.

Of course, some of you see the crux of the matter. I don't even know for sure if Kevin's got a relationship on his mind. But I know Kevin pretty well after two-and-a-halfish years of being acquainted with him. I know he's lonely. I know he would like a relationship. And I know that, unfortunately, he's a lot like me: too serious, too analytical, and too ready to hurtle himself emotionally into a relationship. It's reflected in the fact that he wants to go out again next week, and that scares me.

So I'm going to tell him this when he brings it up next time. Hopefully it will be in person. (We communicate through MSN and e-mail a lot, since we never see each other on campus.)

AGH. Boys. Why do they make everything get complicated. :(

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