I was talking to Kevin. On Windows Messenger, which is our usual form of communication. I never see him 'cause he lives in the more off-campus apartments (even more off-campus than the ones I'm in), and our schedules just don't jive. He's a senior Religion major and I'm a junior English Ed major. All my classes are in Wiley; all his are in "the God building," which is what we call the hall where all the Religion classes are. Anyway, tangent, distraction... Beside the point.

Remember last Thursday I freaked out because Kevin appeared to be romantically interested in me and I would very much rather he not be. I gave him a wishy-washy answer to his invite on another date, telling him to check with me this week. We haven't talked all week till today, so it felt like I was off the hook. Well, Kevin brought it back up tonight.

He scheduled a movie night for tomorrow as a setup for two of his friends. (LOL!!) It was an all-invite, though, as most of his parties are, so Amy invited me and Rebecca, and the three of us are going to carve pumpkins tomorrow afternoon and then head over to Kevin's to watch the movie. I love group parties and movie nights. :) I think they're a good way to connect with people. No pressure, but nevertheless a chance for connection and interest to grow.

Inside, I was very relieved that he had scheduled something like that, meaning he wouldn't be asking me on another date. Or so I thought.

Kevin says:
you are not too heartbroken about me decided to throw a party Saturday night
Stephanie says:
translate that sentence for me
Kevin says:
lol
Kevin says:
it is late!
Stephanie says:
lol yeah
Kevin says:
do you still want to do something some time
Kevin says:
that sentence was my fancy way of saying, "sorry I went and threw a party when we kind of had something planned, do you want to reschedule"
Kevin says:
and silence
Stephanie says:
lol! sorry
Stephanie says:
we hadn't really planned anything, per se, so no, I'm not too brokenhearted
Kevin says:
true
Stephanie says:
{shrug} I'll be doing something with you anyway... so it's not even like anything got canceled
Kevin says:
okay
Kevin says:
:P
Stephanie says:
I'll see you tomorrow, then?
Kevin says:
absolutely
Stephanie says:
k
Stephanie says:
have a good night
Kevin says:
goodnight

Wouldn't it be nice if the conversation had just ended right there like it should have? But, that's never the way things happen in Stephanie's life. Right after he said good night, as if he'd suddenly thought of something, Kevin said, "Big party tomorrow. Need a ride?"

He-LLO? Are you not getting the picture? Ah, quel dommage, how could you in a 2-dimensional IM conversation!

Directly there was some lengthy confusion related to the 2-D nature of IM conversations about which party we were talking about. I thought he meant a surprise birthday party that's going on Sunday. He was talking about my Sunday school class's open house tonight (which is still tomorrow night in my mind). Once we got that figured out, there was some lengthy indecisiveness on my part, until finally I decided I'd catch a ride with Kevin tomorrow to the Open House, and then get a ride back sometime before 8:30 so I could go to the Philharmonic Concert and hear Tchaikovsky's Romeo and Juliet. So after I finally decide to do both, Kevin joked, "It's always fun to be in two places at once," and added his own quip. "Actually, I am one of the very few people to pull that off."

Stephanie says:
good for you, Superman
Kevin says:
but that is another story for another day
Stephanie says:
yeah
Kevin says:
because we already said goodnight
Stephanie says:
lol 'tis true
Kevin says:
and we have talked for at least another page or maybe 2
Stephanie says:
yep

That looks like me trying to end the conversation. But it was actually me buying time as I tried to decide whether or not I should tell Kevin the reason for my hesitancy in going out with him again. Better to get it out in the open, no?

Kevin solved my problem for me. Just as I had decided to let the conversation end.

Kevin says:
oh and you never answered an above question?
Stephanie says:
I didn't? what question was that?

Genuine confusion on my part. I hadn't expected him to drag on the conversation more.

Kevin says:
okay so maybe you did
Kevin says:
you said you were not worried at all because you are still coming to my party but I also asked if you wanted to reschedule

Oh, that's what he was talking about.

I went silent. Here was my opportunity to tell him I wasn't ready for that. I debated. Tell him about Nate? Brush it off again? Ask him straight out if he's romantically interested in me? This was an IM conversation! Don't you usually do that stuff in person?? Debate, debate, debate and the overbearing silence, which I knew he felt. Two-dimensional or not, you feel real things in IM conversations. Eventually Kevin spoke up...

Kevin says:
n/m
Kevin says:
I am being. . .me. . .

RARGH. I wished he'd let me just think a minute. Even IM conversations, sheesh... I have a hard enough time with real conversations; IMs were supposed to be my saviors, the life preservers that allow me to make decent conversation without drowning in the sea of fear of saying the wrong thing. My life preserver was made of lead! Finally, exasperated, I just typed: "How about we talk about it at the party. Or the movie night. Either would work."

After a second... "Okay," Kevin said.

FINALLY!!

"Okay." I put a period at the end for extra emphasis. This is the end of the conversation! I hoped it said.

"Goodnight," Kevin said again. "Sorry I kept you up so late."

"Don't worry about it," I answered. "Good night."

Golly gee whiz. That was the worst IM conversation I have ever had as far as fear and awkwardness goes. I think I made the right decision, though--deciding to talk to him personally instead of through an impersonal computer.

Impersonal. Oh... So that's why guys sometimes do breakups through e-mail. Hm. Once you get personal, it gets messy.

Ain't that the truth.

That was just a random, sideline observation. Yadda yadda. I'm glad it's OVER and I just hope I can keep my head when I try to talk to Kevin tomorrow. I explain myself better through writing, but I better make myself perfectly clear. None of this Internet ambiguity. Good grief.

Internet ambiguity reminds me of another person I ought to talk to about some things.

HA! Ambiguity! What is the world coming to?

-Stephanie

P.S. Mindy, you may feel a need to intercede and talk to Kevin first. I can handle it, don't worry. :) I'm going to talk to him tonight. And I will be very reasonable. I can be reasonable, despite the nonreasonableness (yeah, I just made up that word :) )of this entry.