Today I finally found Ryan and answered him in person that yes, I would love to go to Homecoming with him. We talked a little bit about buying tickets and masques ('tis a masquerade!) and stuff. I was so nervous. I did NOT want to address all those things right after saying, "Yes, I'd love to go to Homecoming with you!" I need a couple hours to gather myself together and start thinking again after I do something new, exciting and unfamiliar. Anyway, Ryan never comes to the Dex--he lives off campus--so I am going to buy our tickets tonight and he will pay me back. I hope that's okay with him; I just like having certainty that things will get done, and there isn't that certainty with him, because I NEVER see him. He's a senior religion major--and off-campus, too--and spends all his time at home or in the God building (the building where all the religion classes are). So anyway, a little bit of an awkward start to the "date", but I hope he understands.

After I had given him my answer, I went to my dorm and took a nap because I had a headache (I still kind of do). Then I went to work at the library, and lo and behold... There was Ryan, talking to my supervisor. He used to work in the library, too, and since my supervisor is a motherly, caring type a lot of people come to her with problems, questions, doubts, etc. She kind of plays an unofficial counselor. :) I walked in and Ryan was talking to her about Amanda, his ex-girlfriend. They were together for something like a year and a half, and he'd basically given his whole heart to her, and then she ended the relationship. Anyway, I walked in and said something light like, "Well, hello!" He said hi, my supervisor gave me my task for the day, and I quietly went to my usual spot. The back room of the library is small, but I did my best not to eavesdrop.

When one of my other supervisors came in, Ryan turned to lighter subjects, and I heard him say that he was ADD.

ADD.

There are five characteristics that I am doing my best to avoid in a guy since Nate: 1. Depression. 2. Deep thinking, which leads to depression. 3. Oversensitivity or emotionalness, which is tied to deep thinking and depression. 4. Melodrama, which is a result of the top three things. 5. ADD, which also has ties to depression.

There are four things I now know about Ryan: 1. He has been somewhat depressed over Amanda. 2. He is a deep thinker. 3. He is emotional. 4. He has ADD.

Diary, why do I keep drifting towards guys who are like this?

::sigh:: I know. It's because I relate to them best. It's because I am their sister, and they are my brothers. We are kin in temperament.

I already know that a relationship between me and a guy who is like this will probably not go very well. We are too similar. So what am I going to do with the inevitable fact that I am inclined to befriend them? And begin to feel emotionally tender toward them and eventually emotionally responsible for them? Ugh. My heart is too soft.

Up to this point, I have been able to avoid telling a guy that I can't get into a relationship with them because they are too similar to my ex and too similar to me. So here it comes again. Another test of my escape abilities. Will I be able to work my way out this time around?

"Yes, Ryan, I would love to go to Homecoming with you and go on a few dates with you to get to know you better as a friend."

"No, Ryan, I would not like to get into a relationship with you. Ever."

Fortunately, Ryan won't be looking for a relationship right now, either. But he just might try to get close to me emotionally anyway. And that's where I get scared and run.

Ay, I am just worried. Don't take this entry too seriously, friends. If there's one thing I like it's people who don't take me as seriously as I take myself. :) I'm off to dinner and to buy Homecoming tickets!

-Stephanie