Aah, that'll make it too long, and I have work to do. I talked to Kevin today. That boy...is intent on making this as dramatic as humanly possible, I'm pretty sure. Of course he is. He's Kevin. All my friends agree that Kevin doesn't just enjoy the drama, he brings it about. UGH. That disgusts me.

Anyway, we're "talking" tonight at 9:00. Dude, I'd be happy with a just, "Can we be friends again?" "Okay."

But, thank God, it hasn't all been in my head. He's noticed the awkwardness too. Thank God.

You should've seen me when I sat back down with my friends (this was just before chapel). My HANDS! I hate confronting people. Any people. And my hands were shaking worse than they have ever shaken before.

I'm so, so, glad, though, that he was planning on talking to me tonight. GOD IS STILL THERE! He's looking out for me after all. I'm so glad.

Agh. Back to homework. I suppose I'll finish up later tonight after we "talk."

Oy, why does he have to make this so serious? I hate it when people take me so, so seriously....

-Stephanie

Kevin came over at 8:30. It was weird letting him in. I'm like, "Wow. He's here to see me for once." He usually only ever comes over to see Amy.

We started with chitchat. "How's your day been?" I told him about the craziness of trying to get everything together for my stupid lesson plan as I ran around the room, cleaning up my homework. I sat down once or twice as we talked, really briefly. I thought he wanted to sit down and talk. But I was too nervous to stay seated for long and he didn't look like he wanted to sit, so I kept getting up again and busying myself in whatever ways I could to prevent the rising panic in my mind from breaking the surface. I have confrontational anxiety, as I have addressed before in this diary. :)

"I just came over to say I'm sorry," Kevin said.

Don't ask me what I said. Gibberish. He said something else. I only remember about half the conversation, 'cause of the state my mind was in. Then I somehow managed to ask him, "But what are you apologizing for?" He got embarrassed. I saw it. "Well, I just...," he said, but didn't finish right away. So what'd I do? I interrupted and answered for him. Jokingly, I said, "For avoiding me the last 2 weeks?" JOKINGLY, I said. I didn't say that to run him on a guilt trip, but just to get answers. He told me what I didn't want to hear, but it was probably a good thing to know: that he hadn't been purposely avoiding me and that he hadn't really been feeling the awkwardness I claimed to have felt; he'd just been busy. I don't know that I believe him entirely... Because what else would he be apologizing for? And why would he come to my apartment to talk to me? The only other potential cause I can think of for his apology was for my sake, because he felt that would make me feel better. Anyway. I really think he felt the awkwardness, too.

Anyway. I'm going to stop dwelling on that point.

I think things are better now. I'm glad we talked. And I'm proud of myself for not opening my big mouth and telling him about my Christmas break.

Weird thing he said. I guess it was to be expected, though, now that I think about it. He told me, "There's nothing between me and Chris anymore." Brought that up completely on his own; I actually wasn't expecting it. "I don't know how much you heard," he said. "I heard some," was all I replied. "But there's nothing there anymore," he repeated.

One thing I wish with all my heart that I could have said was "I'm sorry" back. I'm really the one who caused all the trouble. I'm not a bad person (I try to convince myself), but a lot of this awkwardness was definitely my fault. I tried to say it, but there was a communication breakdown somewhere between my brain and my mouth and the words didn't make it to his ears.

I did manage to say what I wanted to say: "I just wanted to say," I picked up my side, "can we be friends again?" Darn Kevin. He immediately said, "Absolutely." That's his phrase. But he said it wrong. I was aiming for lighthearted and he was still being serious. AGH. But whatever... Not gonna worry about it.