I have a lot to write. I will start with a prayer I wrote in my journal after watching an episode of Friends.

It's so easy, Lord, to watch a sitcom that treats a serious subject with a light air and go away thinking, Glad that's not me! rather than really thinking about it. I found myself thinking that at the end of Friends when Phoebe gave birth to her brother's triplets and had to give them up. They paid a little respect at the end when Phoebe asked to be alone with the babies. Her simple expression of, "They said labor would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do, but they were wrong. This is," touched on but did not thoroughly explore the depth of love a new mother has for her just-born baby and the depth of the pain she feels if she has to give it up. But it's good they paid that much respect to it. Other shows can, and do, pay more.

Father, there's a lot of pain in the world. It's so deeply ingrained... I say that as if I know, but I don't. I realize it, but I don't know it. I hope I never have to, but I want to understand the world. It must be one or the other, Lord... So deal it to me slowly.

I finally wrote a letter to Kevin. I've been writing drafts since I got here from college. I wrote three drafts total, all very different from each other. My first one was angry. My second one was victimizing. My third one I wrote after writing this prayer. I finally realized that, though the pain I feel from Kevin is not insignificant, there is deeper, much more severe pain out there. I finally understood the phrase "putting things into perspective." I knew that a good perspective meant not making such a big deal out of the trials you went through, but I thought it meant totally ignoring the pain you feel. Today I realized it's not that either. The pain Kevin has caused me and other girls is not as significant as, say, a teen mother having to give up her child for adoption, but it is significant.

As soon as I finished my prayer to God, the letter just came to me. I won't be copying it in here, but I put my new perspective into it. It was concise, not angry and not victimizing but still endeavored to make him see the "error in his ways" as the Puritans say. I read it aloud to myself and then to my mother, somehow knowing it was important to do so. Mom commended it. I stamped it and sent it.

I've started reading my Bible again. It's been so long. I've slipped into my self-sufficient stage again, as I did in 2003, before committing my entire life to God. It feels good to hear the words Jesus said again. To hear, "No faith like this have I found in all of Israel." To know Jesus loved.

I'm looking for a church here in my new home, one that, rather than loving actions, loves people. I've been discouraged by the focus on actions/deeds that my home church has shown me. I know that they are capable of loving people, because I have felt that love. I have seen it in the eyes of my friends from home. But I know they have strayed into legalism, like so many Christians do, and I am looking for a revival, a refreshing of faith, of hope, and of the greatest of these--love. I'm doing it only for myself. I know I have succumbed to the legalistic views of my church and loved ones. I want to become the dynamic, loving Christian that I have heard of. I've wanted this for a long time and I am finally taking steps toward it. I feel peace.

Jesus, Lord, my Father whom I am trying to get to know, please show me how I can love You best. Show me how I can follow in Your footsteps for real. Show me how I can become the dynamic, loving Christian I want to be. I love You so much. Your precious child, Stephanie

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