I'm listening to Nichole Nordeman again. I've been on a rock music kick lately... Linkin Park, Skillet, Relient K, Switchfoot. But today something reminded me of Nichole Nordeman and I had a hankering to listen to my Woven & Spun CD. I love that CD. Every time I listen to it something different in the lyrics speaks to me. Today there was one line I caught in a song that I had never caught before: "Never mind the silver lining; the clouds are fine." What would it be like to have that kind of attitude? To be grateful for your present circumstances, even if they are grim? What does it take to have that kind of faith?

Nichole's song, "Take Me As I Am," actually isn't about her having that kind of faith. It's about her wanting it but not having it. She goes over all the wishes and desires she has about herself as a person--"Oh, for heart that does not ache/And for a backbone that won't break/For some steady feet or sturdy ground"--and how she doesn't measure up to all she aspires to be. She rests in the knowledge that Jesus takes her as she is and acknowledges that He is the only one that can do that.

I don't pretend to identify with that kind of faith in Jesus Christ. On the contrary, I struggle every day with not measuring up. Instead, I identify more with Nichole when she says, "At the end of the day/I can find little else but the courage to say/I need You, that's all." I get emotionally exhausted trying to measure up and at the end of the day, in my weariness, I just have to give up, like I did four years ago and have to keep doing.

In a way, it's like a war against God's grace. It's not accepting what He gave me for free. I still feel as though I have to do something to earn His attention or His acceptance or His affection. It's a hard fight and I wonder if it'll ever be over. Will I ever realize that He likes me human? That He created me fallible?

That brings up other questions--like why on earth God created us fallible in the first place. But that's another entry entirely, I suppose, and one I no doubt have written on before. An old horse I keep beating.

But I'm nothing if not persistent. I'll ask and ask and ask until I find an answer. It gives me something to think about. This girl's mind is never quiet, regardless what you might see on the outside. :)

Enough asking and analyzing today. Have a blessed week. (Whatever that means... Yet another topic to expound on at a later date. ;) ) I love you all.

Dear God, thanks for questions, no matter how vexing they might be. Thanks for creating us to think, 'cause that's really fun. Be with all my friends this week and love on them like crazy. I know You do. Keep us close to You, Jesus. We love You. Amen.

-Stephanie

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