Couple of interesting things to write today. Just thoughts.

This morning I started the day writing to God, which I haven't done in a while. You ever have those times where you don't think you have much to say, but you start talking (or, in my case, writing) and just don't stop and you realize you had a lot more to talk about than you thought? It was one of those times. :) I started out praying for a friend and ended up writing some deep stuff about faith. So here's bits and pieces:

I'm kind of glad we don't KNOW for sure if people are Christians. It saves us from desperation and guilt we might experience if we KNEW a person we loved was not saved.

Christianity has gotten so screwed up, God. No wonder so many people give up on ever becoming a Christian.

That rubs some sore spot in me. 'There's nothing wrong with my friends!' I want to say. 'It's not fair of you to dismiss the whole religion as BS just because of one group of people!' And it's not fair of them to hate you because of some of your followers. That leaves those of us that ARE good, honest, earnest people no leverage.

It is MY will that ALL be saved, even the worst of the worst. It's so discouraging to me that so many just look at us and decide the whole bunch of us is a crock. I HATE that. That's probably the worst attitude you could ever have. How are we supposd to save them if they don't think they want to be saved?

And I'm kind of listening to myself as I'm saying these words, and I'm going, 'What kind of crap am I talking?' Even as I speak church language I'm adopting the cynicism of the people I'm talking about. I sound nutty to myself.

So I'm going to go back to what doesn't sound nutty to me. And that's that there is a God, that he's benevolent and loving, and I'm still figuring the rest of it out. :)

...

The world's really broken, God. Why are you letting it be this way?

At least you sent your Son. Yes, I want to take hold of your hand and be pulled up onto the life raft. I do want to be saved from destruction, and I do realize I can't do that by myself. I don't understand anything about this religion they've called Christianity. But I've got faith. I can do faith. What else is there to do?

That's the one thing I wanted to write. The other thing is shorter. I've been thinking about my future a lot (oh boy, here we go!), and I keep asking myself, "What do I do???" Today when I asked myself that, I realized (finally) that it's not really that I want to know what to DO. But I just want to learn how it turns out. It's like reading a book or watching a movie and wondering like crazy the whole time how it'll end. Only I have to wait longer than just a few hours to find out how this story will end.

-Stephanie

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