The world makes sense again.

-Nobody in their right mind, no one thinking rationally, would make a decision to commit their entire life to a person. That kind of love is irrational.
-In Alaska in the summer, it's 24/7 daylight. In the winter, it's 24/7 darkness. If you were born in the summer, when the darkness came, you would be lost and confused. But you would remember the light. You would remember that it was, once.

Today I had a long, trying conversation with Stephen about faith. I'm at this weird place in my faith, and he doesn't understand what I'm going through right now. I was asking him all these questions and he was giving me all these pat, churchy answers that aren't helpful to me at all right now. He prayed for me at the end, which was nice, but when we hung up I still felt wholly unsatisfied. It was the kind of unsatisfied I would never get out of if I didn't talk to somebody who understood. So I called Isaac. I knew he would be at work, but that was okay with me; I don't know what I would have said if he had picked up. I just left him a voicemail asking him for a little extra prayer.

He called me back later and we talked. And he gave me the two analogies up above. Both of them got me, but the one that really got me was the Alaska one. I'm in the darkness right now and I'm lost and confused. But I remember the light. So I KNOW it exists; I know it's out there somewhere. That's what's going to keep me going through this night.

A few weeks ago Ryan commented on a faith-centered MySpace blog that it seemed like I was coming out of my "dark night of the soul." I didn't think that was true; I think the moon peeked out a little bit. But now I can tell it's gone back behind the clouds and I'm still in the dark.

Isaac also pointed me toward nature. Stephen actually did too, but it was in a totally different way. From him it sounded stiff and dusty, like it'd been a long time since he'd pulled that one out. What Isaac said made a lot of sense and really connected with me.

He said to himself and me that he was surprised at how articulate he was being. Then he told me, "That's because I'm going through exactly the same thing right now." I knew that. I think that's why I called him. I said to him, "Somewhere down the road it might be me reminding you of these things." Isaac sounded a little embarrassed when I said that, and I think I know why, but what I meant was somewhere down the road when I really "get" all this and we do a role reversal and I'll be the one reminding him of things he has told me, to help him.

A tree goes through a lot.

You could really analyze and pick that apart a lot, but I want to leave it right there in it's simplicity: a tree goes through a lot.

Tonight I went to a church concert. NNU sends out three summer groups every year to church camps around the Northwest District. Parable is a drama group, Covenant is a musical group, and Witness... I've never been able to quite figure out what Witness is. But anyway, Covenant has always been my favorite group of the three. They sing the best musical pieces, and there always seems to be one song that has a significant impact on my life. One or two years ago, it was the song "Shifting Sand" by Caedmon's Call, which has gotten me through many a dark night. This year they sang "Doubting Thomas" by Nickel Creek. Here are the words:

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who know me?
Will I discover a soul-saving love or
Just the dirt above and below me?

I'm a doubting Thomas
I took a promise
But I do not feel safe
O me of little faith

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face
Then beg to be spared 'cause I'm a coward
If there's a master of Death, I'll bet he's holding his breath
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

I'm a doubting Thomas
I can't keep my promises
'Cause I don't know what's safe
O me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie?
Can I be led down the trail droppng breadcrumbs
To prove I'm not ready to die?

Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

I'm a doubting Thomas
I'll take your promise
Though I know nothing's safe
O me of little faith
O me of little faith

The bridge really hit home today. I said almost exactly that same thing to Stephen when we were talking. Should I be leading people to Christ when I'm not even sure I believe what I'm saying? That and the lines about not feeling safe. Safety is huge to me. And I definitely don't feel safe right now, whatever is threatening me. But talking to Isaac sure made a difference. At least I know I've got somebody right there along with me in all this.

-Stephanie

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