Yeah, I know I already posted today, and not even that long ago. But maybe this'll make up for the lack of entries I've been posting lately. :)

I just wanted to get one thing off my chest, and here is the only place I can do that safely--my one little refuge. Steve sees everything else, and all too clearly at that.

Yesterday Steve mentioned the forbidden "E" word to me.

We had been talking about dancing opportunities at home around the time I'll be there for Thanksgiving. The site we were looking at has a list of all the different dancing opportunities available there--not just swing dancing, but ballroom, Irish, Hungarian, Latin, every kind available. :) I've been curious about tangoing since Ryan first asked if I might want to go tangoing with him sometime (that was toward the end of last school year). I saw that there was some tangoing, including a beginning lesson, available. It piqued my interest and I suggested it to Steve, half-joking and half-scared.

"I might be a little scared to do that, though," I admitted to him.

"Why's that?" he asked.

I hesitated. "Well... Tango is such a close dance," I said tactfully.

He got it. "Yeah," he agreed. "We might want to wait for that till such a time as we're engaged."

I withdrew in shock. For some reason, "engaged" has a much deeper, more profound effect on me than "marriage" or "wedding." Anything referring to the actual getting married seems really, really far off in the distance, so much so that it's almost a joke. Engaged, on the other hand, is WAY too close to home.

I could hardly breathe when that word came out of his mouth. It was as if all my wildest dreams had come true in a moment, but I wasn't entirely ready for them to come true yet. It was some chemical mix of pure elation and pure terror that struck my voice from me. I couldn't speak for the longest time, and poor Steve got so worried. He doesn't like it when I get quiet... It worries him. But I absolutely could not speak.

I don't want to marry you yet, please don't tempt me...

I wish I could say that to him.

-Stephanie

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