I'm still so down.

So this is a second lesson in saving myself for marriage. Lesson to you all as well. It really does cost a lot emotionally.

I haven't given myself to him yet. But sometimes I get so close it's as if I have. And how did I react this time? The same way I reacted last time. I cried my heart out.

I don't know if waiting is supposed to be this hard emotionally. I wonder if I didn't wait if it would be worse emotionally or better.

I don't know why I write this stuff online in a diary that people can see.

Stephen is worried about me leaving him now. I mentioned I faced this same struggle with Nate to him. So now he's worried I'm going to do to him what I did to Nate and run out of this relationship as fast as my commit-o-phobic legs can carry me.

Wednesday I talk to my counselor. Tonight I talk to Elizabeth. I can't wait; I desperately need to get this talked out.

I have this weird instant impression of some girls that says to me, She lives/sleeps with her boyfriend. I haven't put my finger on what it is that shouts that out to me, but those kinds of girls always give me a really creepy, eerie feeling. I think it's because I see too much of myself in them.

I who have never slept with a guy.

OK, before I close, I want to say this: Waiting is VERY VERY VERY important to me. What I DON'T need to hear is that I should just give in, or let go, or whatever nice words you want to put to it. That's not what God wants of me and that's not what I want of me either. That's all.

-Stephanie

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