I talked to Steve last night about everything I vented here about yesterday. Interesting conversation. I think we learned a lot about each other.

We got stuff more or less resolved though. I had to get angry to do so. :( Which was not fun, but it's been inside me so long that I suppose it had to come out eventually. Stephen says we should address things as they come so it won't end in explosions. He's right and I know that, but it's going to be a very difficult thing to do--I'm really nonconfrontational. Until something has been bugging me for so long that I get angry, like yesterday.

I can't think very clearly. I thought it was allergies--dry throat, runny nose, sneezing, dry cough. All symptoms of allergies, which I get in the spring and summer. But today when I woke up and my limbs were just devoid of any kind of energy, I realized it was probably more than just allergies. My sis was sick over break, which I didn't even fully realize until the last day. I would have taken more vitamin C had I known. :P

Here's a sample of our conversation last night:

"Are you okay?" he asked for the millionth time.
"Uh-huh," I said for the millionth time, disguising the rising anger at his constant questioning, telling myself, 'If he'll just drop it...If he'll just drop it...We can move on, and I can go to bed, and we'll be fine tomorrow, no problems.'
"Are you sure?" he asked. The million and first time. It was too much.
"I'm fine," I said, gritting my teeth and not disguising the anger anymore.
"Just the way you said, 'I hope so,' it didn't seem like it," he pressed. "You seemed...cynical. Not about me, but about the relationship. Like you're not as happy now as you were a few days ago."
"Look, I'm still recovering from the tense conversations this weekend," I said for the hundredth time.
"That's just it. What tense conversations are you still recovering from?" he asked, for the hundredth time just not getting it.
"We've been over this. The emotional exhaustion of the tense conversations, the long hours in the car, the getting tired of being with you--just the tension in general has wiped me out. Do you not understand that?"

Oy.

From there I just went off. I had a lot to say, and that was it, I was saying it.

"So we spend 20 hours together in the car and every second of every day together for 10 days. By the end of the 20 hours and the 10 days, I'm getting tired of being in the car. I'm getting tired of being around you. There's lots and lots of tension. We get back. I'm finally out of the car, in my own apartment, on my own couch, finally able to relax, but still emotionally exhausted from the tension. We talk about it. We get things resolved. Next day. You call. I'm still emotionally exhausted. You think I'm still tense with you over things I thought we had resolved. I get irritated at you. You keep bringing it back around when I just want to forget about it and take a day off of tension and recover. I didn't even want you to call today. I needed a day off, but I thought maybe a few hours would be enough, as long as we didn't revisit the tense conversations. And you bring it up again."

Instantly, I relaxed. All of the pressure was gone. It felt good to get all that off my chest... I continued after a moment, much calmer, explaining what I'd just gone over in a much gentler tone. From there we worked through it.

I wish Stephen understood that people do get tired of each other. I never thought there was anybody who didn't understand that... I don't know if Stephen is idealistic, uber-romantic or just extraverted, but that's just not in his framework of understanding relationships, and it absolutely baffles me. It's tough to work through--how do you tell somebody that doesn't believe people get tired of each other that you're tired of them??

Thankfully his parents...or his brother and sister-in-law...some married couple, LOL...just went on a shorter trip together and came back early because, quote, "we got tired of each other." They told Stephen about it...I think it was his brother and sister-in-law...and so Steve said to me, "I guess even married people get tired of each other!" So maybe he's beginning to understand.

That would be great.

So... We're okay. I did request to have today off though. Thankfully he complied. I will be a much happier person for him to talk to tomorrow night.

Right now, I ought to go and finish my homework. I have my two morning classes cancelled tomorrow (WOOHOO!!! An absolute Godsend--I'll get to rest and get over this dumb cold), but I do still need to do the homework for them. I am so glad I don't have to get up tomorrow though... I think I'll take some Benadryl tonight. Knock me out and get me some real sleep. :) Boy, I need it.

Anyway... Oh yeah... I never mentioned in here. My ex managed to find me on MySpace and messaged me. "Final words," he titled it. It was a short message. The two things I remember are: 1) "I know you hate me", and 2) "My son's name is"

My feelings around that e-mail are really, really complicated. It's amazing how many feelings can be packed into one heart. But one thing I do know: I realize now that he isn't my problem. Stephen's been telling me that since I started talking to him about Nate, but I never realized it until now. He's not my problem anymore. I am so glad.

I'm not going to e-mail him back. I'm not going to ask Steve to talk to him. From now on, he is a nonentity in my life.

Okay, this is getting really long, but one last thing and then I'll go: I've decided my dad can come to my graduation and my wedding, but I want to make him understand that I don't want him to be anymore a part of my life than he is now (which is almost nil). I want it that way.

That's all, folks.

-Stephanie Dawn

Why didn't I think of titling my entries like soap opera episodes earlier?

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