"And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No, I can't stand the pain"

Aaaaaaand back down again.

I swear, this year has been the most chaotic my moods have ever been.

I just don't understand why Stephen and I can't understand each other.

What the heck is this wall we keep hitting?

Dear God, please tell me what wall Stephen and I keep hitting. And please get this horrible, depressing song out of my head. Amen.

I cried yesterday night after getting off the phone with Stephen. I haven't cried like that for a really long time. The only way I can describe how I felt was "anguish." I don't know what's going on with us lately. Surely it isn't normal for couples to deal with this much? I knew differences and disagreements were to be expected, but this anguish? On both sides, too; Stephen feels the same anguish about our state that I do. I don't even know if I'm upset about us; I just know I'm upset about something, and I can't for the life of me nail it down. I just don't understand what's going on.

And it's only after conversations like this with Stephen. Never any other time. That's what baffles me. I only suffer this much when I'm at odds with him over something. I just want to know what the heck is going on. And he expects me to know, and I don't! He always asks me, always--"What's wrong?" I just don't know!

I don't know what's going on, and I wish I knew just as much as you do, sweetheart! I love you just as much as ever and I just can't figure out what's going on when we have these discussions. Believe me. I really don't know, okay? I DON'T KNOW. Can I make it any clearer? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. And guess what? The Bible is not a psychologist's handbook. For this, honey, it doesn't have answers.

-Stephanie

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