I never posted this here. I posted it on MySpace. Know that the conflict of the time is over now, but it is a good, insightful blog nonetheless. I wrote it 5-19-2008.

Life was so easy until I met Stephen. I was prepared for difficulty, but I was prepared to handle difficulty by myself, without anyone's help. I don't know how to di it with someone's help. I really don't.

I'm also having to get used to the idea of being one with someone other than myself. Steve is big on that. He doesn't know how much the thought bothers me. It's one of the many reasons why I think to myself that I am not ready for marriage. I don't say anything because I think what he says has a grain of truth in it, and I need to listen to that truth. But I think he asks too much of me right now. He doesn't realize just how independent from everyone I've been all my life.

I started because I was shy. I just got by without others' help 'cause there was no way, no how I was going to stick my neck out there and ask for help. People look at that and call it pride. It's not. It's a genuine, all-consuming fear of being hurt. Beng looked at as less than I am. Really, that last part nails it. I don't think I was thinking that back in 5th grade when I dared to ask for more difficult spelling words, but that nails it now. I have to work incredibly hard to keep up a healthy self-image. I have one. I am a loving, compassionate, honest, hard-working, heartfelt, intelligent person. I am worth the love of people around me: family, friends, bosses, professors, peers. I am worth it. But it doesn't take much to convince me that I'm not. One stray remark from someone close to me would hurt me pretty deeply. It used to be that a stray remark from anyone would hurt me. I've worked my tail off to get past that.

And I still feel like I'm on the brink of destruction. Like one false move, one slip, and my carefully-built go will absolutely shatter and come crashing down on me.

I know what Stephen would say: my identity, my self-image should be gorunded in Christ. He doesn't understand that I would really like that stability, but it' sjust out of my reach right now. So I look other places for it. Namely, myself. If there's anything reliable to ground my identity in, it's my own opinion of myself, right?

Suddenly I understand every egotistical, self-inflated person out there. Wow.

Why are we so fragile? We're all so fragile.

Jesus, did the disciples ever become assured of their identity in you? Lord, they fought over who would sit at your right hand. They were fragile too. Do you know--they all loved you. Intensely. But they were just as unstable and human as any of us. Fragile.

Lord Jesus, can you get past our humanity? Our fragile egos?

I feel most confident in you when I am with people who are just as unconfident. Not because I feel I'm better than they are, but because I am equal with them.

Dear Lord, this fragile person needs some strengthener. We all do. Help me to feel strengthened in you so I can help others become strengthened in you. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

-Stephanie

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