Okay, I have to get this out somewhere.

I've never felt this divided from Stephen before. We can't even convince each other that we love each other, although we tried. It's killing me.

I cannot live without this guy, and I can't stand being separated from him like this.

I want to change. I do. I don't know how. I want to.

I guess I really hurt him last night. But it isn't just last night, it's stuff that's been building up. From time to time I get irritable, and act like I'm out to destroy anybody that crosses my path. Stephen, the closest person to me, gets the brunt of it all nowadays. He says he can't live with it.

I don't actually want to hurt him. Not on a grand scale, anyway--not in the big picture. The days I rip him apart, I do feel like I want to hurt him, and I can't understand that anymore than he does. And it's really hurting him.

We don't get to meet with a counselor until Tuesday. We made a pact not to bring up the subject till then (or at least to try). But in the meantime neither of us feel loved. Physical touch doesn't even do it, and that's both of our first love languages.

Why would I want to hurt him? Why would I want to hurt people at all? I love people. And I love Stephen.

Stephen needs a reason. I don't. I can just say, "I'm just in a bad mood" and be done with it. Even if someone else says something hurtful around me, and then explains, "I'm in a bad mood," I can be done with it. But for some reason that doesn't work with Stephen. It's got to be logical. The guy doesn't get my emotions at all sometimes! And then he gets emotional...Which just further confuses me.

I feel like I'm never going to understand this. At all. We're hitting a total wall again.

I don't know what to do. I wish he'd stop being so hurt by what I say. At least we get to talk to somebody on Tuesday.

---

I just talked to Stephen on the phone. He seems to be doing better. Thank goodness...I know we still need to work through these things, but it was getting nowhere while he was an emotional wrecks, and I'm glad that he's not an emotional wreck anymore. Poor Stephen. I know how he feels.

It's giving me a headache to try and figure him out right now, although I desperately want to figure him out, so I'm going to sign off for the time being.

-Stephanie

previous || next

Miss Something?

Social Anxiety with Guys - February 07, 2024

Education Expo with an ADHD Kid - February 03, 2024

Lovely Church Experience - October 22, 2023

Seek Out Community in Christ - August 29, 2023

Grieving Lost Friendships - May 08, 2023