I have been trying to update for weeks, but just have not been able to finish an entry yet.

Stephen and I visited his parents' new house this last weekend. It's a nice house in a beautiful neighborhood--right in the middle of the forest, in fact.

They're only renting there right now, and are only planning on staying for about 12-18 months. Long enough for Jon and Cari to make it through their first year of college, but they really want to buy a house. The just didn't have adequate time to house-hunt this summer.

I saw Stephen's dad's new building and office. It is unimpressive. It's an old building and only 4 stories tall. I can't express my relief. I was so afraid he was going to turn into a person who loves money and nothing else, that if the building had been a 9-year-old skyscraper covered with shiny windows and 28 stories tall, I would started crying all over again.

I think I wrote something about seeing Stephen's dad as my dad in an earlier entry, but not in as great detail as I can put it in now, so... Since I grew up without a dad, I've been trying to fill the "dad hole" since I was about 12 or 13 years old. I've latched on to different dads in my life: my best friend's dad, my ex's dad, other men in our church. But every "dad" I've taken on, I've had to leave: I've moved, I've graduated, I've had to end the relationship... Whatever the reason, the adopted dad hasn't been able to stay my adopted dad.

When I met Stephen, I met his family, and when we got engaged, naturally adopted his dad as my new "dad." And since we were getting married, Stephen's dad was supposed to be the dad that stayed. The dad that didn't leave. The dad that would love me like I've been needing my entire life. He was going to be the dad that would lovingly make me his "other daughter" like all the rest, but the relationship would continue, not end.

So I'd already made the emotional connection, and now was trying to get that "dad" image in my head--what a dad is supposed to really feel like--by dropping by their house often and developing an ongoing relationship with the family, including him.

And then he left! Like every single other dad. The relationship was once again broken--only this time he was doing the leaving, which hasn't actually been the case since my biological father (every other time, I've been the one that's had to move on), which makes the wound even deeper, and I had so much more invested in him because I was marrying his son and thought that ensured his constant presence in my life.

And on top of this, it's all for a new job... And I've always had a prejudice against people who make tons of money, because I've heard so often that those kinds of peopel forget their families and themselves in pursuit of all those magical green bills.

So basically, Stephen's dad accepting the new, higher-paying job severed two of the most damaged parts of my heart in one cataclysmic moment. No wonder I had a complete emotional breakdown when all this happened? No wonder I need so much healing?

I told Stephen's dad about the higher-paying job prejudices that one night--July 29th, I think, or maybe 30th--and he was so nice about it. He and Margie both assured me that the money isn't going to change them--"We're too old to change!" they laughed. So that helped some. But I'm still on high alert every time I see him, investigating the question of whether he has changed or not, until I'm convinced one way or the other.

What I'm looking for--what I'm on high alert for--is whether or not he maintains interest in his life outside of work. That means his home life. So this weekend I kept my eyes wide open. I was so relieved when he smiled and laughed at things his kids did. And he did hug me hello and goodbye. That's not enough yet, but it's a step in the right direction.

To protect myself, first I'm looking for his maintaining interest in his family. Then his maintaining interest in me. Maybe I've got my priorites backwards... But if he still loves his family, but doesn't love me, I can accept that. I'm not his daughter, after all. And I've survived a number of "dads" leaving; I can survive this one too.

But no...I don't want to have to settle for survival.

Oh, God, how I don't want to just settle for survival anymore.

I haven't told Stephen's dad about him being my adopted dad yet. Stephen keeps telling me I should. I'm not ready to anymore. I was before he got the new job...But I waited too long and now I'm insecure and scared to tell him. I was ready to tell him when I was becoming certain he loved me, and now I'm completely uncertain that he loves me and therefore afraid to tell him I need him to love me.

And why does this all have to happen right when I'm supposed to be "leaving and cleaving" (i.e. leaving my parents to cleave to my husband)?

Dear God ('cause I don't know where else to go), please remind me that only You can ultimately fill that "dad hole." That it can't be Steve's dad or any other earthly dad. But God...God...Couldn't you just let me have one earthly dad to show me what a dad looks like? Please, God? Your child, Stephanie

previous || next

Miss Something?

Social Anxiety with Guys - February 07, 2024

Education Expo with an ADHD Kid - February 03, 2024

Lovely Church Experience - October 22, 2023

Seek Out Community in Christ - August 29, 2023

Grieving Lost Friendships - May 08, 2023