Stephen and I aren't doing so great...Fighting. Pray for us if you could. I don't know why I'm picking fights with him and just letting them escalate. I think I have made the wedding more important than him, which is stupid, because I don't even like planning it. But the reason is because there are going to be 150 people there to watch my wedding and I am way too much of a people-pleaser. I'm thinking we should have just eloped, but I wanted pretty wedding pictures. Sigh.

What if there are only 5 people there, like in my nightmare?

I had a nightmare a week or so ago about the wedding, where absolutely everything that could possibly have gone wrong went wrong. It was held at the wrong place, we walked the wrong way down the aisle and ended up at the back instead of the front, we didn't pick up our marriage license, there were only 5 people there, Stephen was wearing the wrong tux, our photographer didn't show up...LOL. It actually makes me laugh pretty hard because SO MUCH went wrong. Usually dreams like this only one or two things go wrong, but in my dream, absolutely everything was wrong! That's definitely not going to happen.

I've been researching the submissive wife.� I can't tell you how much I loathe that phrase.� I am the daughter of a rebel and the sister of a rebel, with a rebel flame in my own heart, and my heart rebels against the idea of being submissive.� I think that flame of rebellion can be good, but it needs to be directed toward the right things.� Directing it at my future husband is not the right thing.

Here's the website I found, for those of you who are interested:� Humble Submission: Life Principle 2.� It's actually really good, but I'm still trying to process through the idea that I have to be submissive to make my marriage work.

There was a page in the same website that really shook me up:� Marriage Breakdown: Detecting a Modern Mindset.� It listed 5 or 6 different subtle attitudes that undermine marriages, and asked, "How many of these are acceptable to you?"� Unfortunately, my answer was nearly all of them.� So I'm a little freaked out, because according to the website,�it means major, major,�major�changing on my part, and I'm afraid of it.� Really afraid of it.� So...Yeah.� Processing.� And scared.� I'm not sure I'm ready to be that old-fashioned.� Which would mean I'm not ready to be married.� So...Scary.� Actually, more than scary.� Terrifying.� I can't be two different people, and I don't know what that means for me in 18 days.

-Stephanie

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