Stephen and I jumped some giant hurdles in our relationship today.

So many of the people we talk to about our fights have said, "Oh, that's normal; you're under a lot of stress from wedding planning." It gets frustrating, because our fights have actually been coming up, not because of the wedding, but because of the marriage.

Most of our fights have centered around us trying to control/manipulate each other so that we can get needs met that have turned into expectations of each other. To be honest, I have done most of the controlling and manipulating, but lately Stephen has been struggling with it too. Somehow, somewhere along the line, we both got the idea in our heads that the other is supposed to perfectly meet our needs. That's an unreasonable expectation, and as our expectations keep getting thwarted, we've gotten more and more frustrated with each other. And as the wedding has gotten closer and closer, we feel more and more pressure and stress because that person is not meeting our needs like we expect them to.

Today I finally realized that this is what's going on and that it isn't working. I decided that I am not going to put that kind of pressure on Stephen anymore. Instead of expecting him to perfectly meet our needs, I am going to instead pray that Stephen them. And when he doesn't meet them, instead of getting mad and/or frustrated, I am going to cling to the hope that my prayers will be answered and that Stephen will grow to meet my needs.

I talked to Stephen about this today. I wrote him a letter listing these legitimate needs I have, and then explained that I am not going to put such unreasonable expectations on him anymore to meet them perfectly all the time. I think he feels as if a lot of this is kind of my thing, and he is right to some degree, but he agreed that he will try to do the same as I am going to do.

It's so refreshing and relieving to not have that pressure weighing me down anymore. It's so relieving and refreshing to not have the frustration of having my expectations thwarted all the time.

It's not easy. I caught myself twice today, even after we had had this wondeful, renewing conversation, telling Stephen what to do, and then Stephen caught himself telling me what to do. But we did both catch ourselves.

We keep doubting that this is going to work. We've had so much trouble with each other for the last couple months or so, it isn't an easy shift to go from expecting EVERYTHING from each other to expecting NOTHING from each other...But at the same time, it is so good for us.

My needs, as I listed them in my note to Stephen, are:

1. I need to laugh a lot. I need to laugh at LIFE a lot. It's absolutely my defense against the pain and unfairness I see in the world that affects me so deeply.
   
2. I need to see love every day. I need to know that in spite of all the disasters, there is love.
   
3. I need hope. I need to have hope that life is worth living down here, because this is where I am, and it is very, very ugly at times.

They are there, I said, there they are. Use them as a reference if you wish, but I am not going to put that kind of pressure on you anymore.

So. If you are inclined to pray for us, what we really need right now is confidence in God. Faith that this is going to work for us. Endurance to keep it up. I honestly think it's what will save us from a disastrous marriage--and all it is right now is a hope, because we haven't seen it start to really work yet. And hope in something I haven't seen work yet is REALLY tough to hang on to! So pray that we just hang on to this with all our might.

But in the midst of this, I have a Bible verse to hold onto:

"For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." -Romans 8:24-25

Paul is talking about hope in our salvation, but I think hope is hope is hope, no matter what the situation, and I need the encouragement I draw from that verse to keep me hoping in the things I can't see yet.

I cannot believe how long it's been since I included a Bible verse in here. Wow. I feel as if I've just taken a long drink of water and am living again.

Wow.

-Stephanie

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