Taken from a regular diary entry.

Music is my thing. It absorbs me like nothing else. I'm good at it. I'm good at it--at least vocally. I love music. Is that the area God wants me to go into? What can I do in the music business? But it's what I love. What does God want me to do?

Why did God create me like this? I'm not challenging His work, just wondering why. What purpose have my romantic ideals? My firm adhering to one boy at a time? My stubbornness in a certain way of thinking once I convince myself of that way? Where does all this fit into God's plan for me? Should I go searching to find out, or wait for Him to tell me?

Why is it only one way or the other with me? I can't find a middle ground between doing everything myself and letting God do everything. Why? What is the purpose?

Why are why questions the hardest to answer?

Where does my desire for neatness come in? Why doesn't it apply to my room as well as my penmanship? Or why are scratch-outs okay and erasings not? I'd like to know.

And politeness...God has equipped me with politeness to all people. Where does that come in?

What is it that I like in some people? What are my preferences and pet peeves? And why?

Is there some scientific answer to all these question, or philosophical, or just plain logical, or are God's answers a different dimension altogether?

What about Marcello did I like? (From the Hallmark TV musical "Mrs. Santa Claus.") He was so sweet. But what made him sweet? His undemanding, patient pursuit? That must be it. But why? Is the only answer "Because that's how God made you", or does He make every girl want that? Is it just me that finds something different from the norm attractive, or are all girls�and all people�like that? I wonder.

Why cursive and print, and not cursive/print, like my mother? Is there some purpose in something as simple as that? Is there a purpose for every little quirk about a person? Every single one? I wonder.

Why so much color? It seems common sense�to me�that every person should like color better than black and white. But is that true, or a misconception? Do I know people as well as I think I do? Have I some sort of talent for deducting through deciphering? Or did I make that up too? Do people�sane people�ever deceive themselves?

What are the specific kinds of music that I like? Or better, don't like? Am I as all-tolerating, or all-liking, as I think I am? Perhaps there's a specific, individual kind of music that I would hate, but don't know it because I haven't heard it yet. But I don't see how a type of music I've never heard is possible... I've heard dozens of types of music. Hundreds, perhaps.

What kind of music does Logan like?

Why does music always make me think of him?

What kind of church did he go to in his hometown? Would he like my church? What reasons does he use to pick a church?

How is he handling what he's had to go through?

That eternal question. I may have to ask God it when I get to heaven.

Why would I suppose I wouldn't get a purely honest, truthful answer from God? I guess because that's all I've ever known. People never give you direct, totally truthful, completely honest answers. I don't think it's humanly possible.

[Logan] says he loves musicals. All musicals? Would he like "Mrs. Santa Claus"? Or just Broadway-type musicals? Like Les Mis and Jekyll&Hyde?

End regular diary entry.

And that is where the questions end. Then I go off into talking about Les Mis and Jekyll&Hyde. If anyone feels like they would like to contradict or just comment on anything I said, please do! Make my diary more exciting. Leave me a note!! :)

-Stephanie