I fall down a lot.

For weeks I've felt nothing but conflict about counseling. I never wanted to go, then I always ended up going and not telling my counselor ANYTHING. Man, I can avoid a tough conversation if I need to. For weeks I did this! I honestly don't know how I managed it.

But last week in counseling, after my big fight with Stephen, I was a mess when I walked into counseling. I didn't feel like putting up all the effort to avoid talking about the things I needed to talk about. Man, that's a heavy wall to keep up.

I cried my eyes out--not about our fight, but about how confused I've been feeling about God lately. In fact, counseling was just me sobbing to God, because I couldn't get myself to talk to my counselor about it straight out.

I was depressed for the rest of the week. On Monday things finally started improving when I randomly put in a Steven Curtis Chapman CD and heard "Last Day On Earth." Normally that song just creeps me out a little--Monday it hit home, hard. It made me think of how selfish I've been being toward Stephen lately, and how stupid that is, when Stephen loves me so much. I had a good conversation with Steve after that. I cried a little. Apologized for being so selfish. Mostly I needed him to hug me.

Today I still didn't want to go to counseling. I recognized the feeling of my putting up walls as counseling got closer, so I put a stop to it. Doing so left me feeling flat--defeated--at the mercy of my counselor, which was the last thing in the world I wanted to be. But it made for a better counseling session, because then I was actually in tune with how I was really feeling. No more walls. Instead of fighting her suggestions with every breath, I took them in and considered them. It made for a very quiet counseling session--I spent a lot of time thinking, processing. But again, that was good.

One of the things I told her is that I've been going around in circles analyzing myself and coming up with no answers. She said, "Do you think there's something wrong with you?"

Did I think there was something wrong with me? Isn't that what I had been hearing from Stephen for weeks?! Isn't that why he kept sending me here, against my will?! "Isn't that why I'm here?" I asked, half laughing, half crying.

She told me there's nothing wrong with me, and that too many people think that's what they come to counseling for--to be fixed. But counseling is just a route for dealing with problems in our lives. She talked about problems being separate from who we are--they're just incidental. Circumstantial. Etc. It made me feel much better than I had in a while to be told that I didn't need to be fixed.

The second thing she said that was helpful when I thought about and processed it, was that I should journal and figure out what it is about my conversations with Stephen that make me fly off the handle with him. I think I've already figured it out. When I talk to him, I feel like he expects immediate answers. So I feel like I don't have time to think about, process, etc. So I just say whatever comes first. Lori has told me a million times that I shouldn't feel that way, that I should be able to go off and journal when I need to process or at least just think before I say things. She didn't say that this time, but I thought of it as I was processing. I shouldn't feel like I HAVE to answer Steve's questions if I'm not ready to.

I've been kind of springboarding off that this week. So far so good. There have already been about 5 instances where Stephen asks me a question I really don't want to answer right then. My response lately has been, "Do you really have to know that right now?" I don't know if that's the best response, but so far I've been able to keep the irritation out of my voice and make it just a plea, which I think helps. We'll see how far it takes me.

We've been through this before. Stephen always says that I can have all the time I need to process it, that I don't need to give him an immediate answer if I can't. But I never stop feeling like I have to make an immediate answer. I guess it'd be a good idea to figure out why that is.

Guess that's where I'm at. Long journal entry!

-Stephanie

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