I feel I ought to rewrite my testimony page. But what I have is so good! I was definitely at that place--before college hit. I wrote it out really well. But I've changed drastically since college. I'm not even sure what my faith looks like anymore.

I don't really know much. All I can see is that Jesus' death qualified as the sacrifice needed for our sins and if we choose to believe that, then we are considered believers, or Christians.

I've learned that God doesn't give us impossible standards so we can spend our entire lives hating ourselves for not meeting them. God already paid the price for not meeting them and we don't need to pay anymore than that. But then you run into the age-old question that James' presence in the Word of God presents.

Coming from a legalistic background (Nazarene) and entering into a strongly anti-legalistic environment of late (Covenant or Presbyterian), I can't figure out how our faith works itself out in our daily lives. I listen very closely to what I'm told and am convinced I have heard every side in the BOOK. It's quite literally overwhelming, how many takes on the old faith vs. works arguments I've heard. The result is I have no idea what I believe about faith in everyday life. I know I believe strongly in loving and caring for people's practical needs. I know I care very much about other Christians going through hard times. I know I don't treat my family as well as I treat strangers and friends. I know that my walk with Christ is my own, and no one ought to tell me how to live it--and conversely, that I ought not to tell others how to live their walks with Christ. Therefore all I find myself able to do is sympathize and encourage. But I feel like that's milk and water where people need meat.

This is tied into so much more than just faith vs. works. If only it were that simple! But I've also heard contradicting sides about who God is and can't figure that out either. (See An Old Battle.) And what I have heard from two very, very wise and respectable people is that both Calvinism and Arminianism are in the Bible, which, as you can see, is not exactly helpful.

My struggle is that I want to nail this abstract thing called "faith" down to something tangible and concrete, but it is ALL abstract!! I mean, it's founded on the very principle of abstraction: a God that you cannot see, hear, or touch and a set of rules that we have only a much-contested book--a book that even the wisest, most respectable scholars and theologians can't figure out. It's the most flustrating thing! (Frustrating + flustering = flustrating.) And here I am, just a 23-year-old newlywed, newly graduated girl trying to figure out how to get by in life day-to-day, and I'm supposed to live by this abstract of abstract things? I don't get it at all.

And this is when I turn to Nichole Nordeman, that beautiful soul.

Help me believe,
'Cause I don't wanna miss any miracles.
Maybe I'd see much better by closing my eyes.
And I would shed this grown-up skin in I'm in
To touch an angel's wing
And I would be free.
Help me believe.

In the midst of all the impossible questions, thank the Lord for her and her music. One of these days I really ought to write her and thank her for everything her songs have done for me. And maybe I should thank Beth while I'm at it, since she first introduced me to her--in one of the most confusing times of my life, no less. :)

Did you know that we're all intimately connected?

I'm done now.

-Stephanie

Afterthought: I looked through my diary and I've never posted all the lyrics to "Help Me Believe" here. So here we go. :)

Take me back to the time when I was maybe 8 or 9
And I believed
When wonders and when mysteries were far less often silly dreams
And childhood fantasies

Help me believe, 'cause I don't wanna miss any miracles
Maybe I'd see much better by closing my eyes
And I would shed this grown-up skin I'm in
To touch an angel's wing
And I would be free
Help me believe

When mustard seeds made mountains move
A burning bush that spoke for You
Was good enough
When manna fell from heaven's high
Just because You told the sky
To open up

Am I too wise to recognize
That everything uncertain
Is certainly a possibility?
When logic fails my reasoning
And science crushes underneath
The weight of all that is unseen

Help me believe, 'cause I don't wanna miss any miracles
Maybe I'd see much better by closing my eyes
And I would shed this grown-up skin I'm in
To touch an angel's wing
And I would be free
Help me believe

When someone else's education plays upon my reservations
I'm the first to cave, I'm the first to bleed
If I abandon all that seeks to make my faith informed and chic
Could You, would You show yourself?

Help me believe, 'cause I don't wanna miss any miracles
Maybe I'd see much better by closing my eyes
And I would shed this grown-up skin I'm in
To touch one of their wings
And I would be free
And I would be free
And I would be free, yeah
Help me believe

Help me believe
Could You, would You show yourself to me?
Could You, would You show Yourself to me?
Help me believe

previous || next

Miss Something?

Social Anxiety with Guys - February 07, 2024

Education Expo with an ADHD Kid - February 03, 2024

Lovely Church Experience - October 22, 2023

Seek Out Community in Christ - August 29, 2023

Grieving Lost Friendships - May 08, 2023