I thought I'd add a follow-up entry on yesterday's entry. I talked to Stephen about posting that entry in here, and what I wrote about, and talking it out with him made me realize some interesting/cool things.

Stephen asked me if there's anything I do because I love him and know that he loves me. I could definitely think of a few examples. He said that that's like faith working itself out in our daily lives--because we know God loves us and we love Him. That's when I realized that it's hard for me to act good solely for God because my relationship with Him has been quite weak lately. (Lately as in, like, the last YEAR or two...) I can't tell He loves me and I can't tell if I love Him; I don't feel it.

To Stephen I said: "I used to know God, I used to know He loves me and I used to love Him, too, very deeply! I remember that. But lately I've been distant from Him because I've gotten so confused with my lit. classes in college and stuff that I've had to just take some huge steps back, away from everything, in order to re-evaluate everything. So what I've been wanting and needing to do lately is work on my relationship with God." Bring myself back to the closeness that lets me feel God's nearness and His love.

Anyway, I thought all of that was really good. It's really nice to have a path to take now, to see it and know that it's long, but at least it's straight. I feel a little as if I've been searching for a path, but I've just been spun in circles until all I see is just a blur of dirt and grass, with no even remote idea where to step! I feel like that conversation with Steve just brought the spinning to a stop and the world has been set straight again.

Man that feels good!

-Stephanie

My Metaphor

I'm standing on my little globe, looking at a path ahead of me. I can't see much of it, but I can see its end is happy, enshrouded in pink mist illuminated from a light inside it. So I keep my eyes on the light & mist and keep walking toward it.

Then I'm told that there are other paths I could take. 'Really?' I think, and turn my eyes to look around. Sure enough, there are lots of other paths around. 'Well, that's funny; I thought there was only one.' I start to step on other paths, paths other people have taken that apparently could be genuine, only their ends are so much further away from me, because I haven't been walking that path. I can't see their ends, not even a glimpse, so I try to follow them at least until I do see their end. I think to myself, 'Once I determine if their end is good or bad, I'll turn around and go back to mine.'

But the further I walk, the more paths I see--criss-crossing and entangling, stretching on for miles. It overwhelms me, and soon I'm not walking anywhere, I'm just standing in one place turning around and around, trying to determine which path to step on. And soon it's just like the little globe is spinning around and around, so fast all the paths are a blur and I have no surety in taking another step.

And then suddenly I remember that I saw You once and felt You once and was close to the end of my path once, and it was good. I realize I need to stop looking at all the paths around me and return the way I came, holding the light & mist in my heart's memory. And the world stops spinning and my path is suddenly right in front of my feet, and all I have to do is take a step.

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