Need to lament!

My friend Jana is finally engaged. I'm so happy for her. But she got engaged almost a month ago and I didn't find out until now. I thought we were friends enough that she'd tell me right away. She was one of the first people I thought to tell when I got engaged.

Such a bittersweet moment! I just wish I'd been there. I wish I'd known.

I knew it was going to happen. Jana had a bit of a hard time with boys--well, one particular boy--when she was a teen and as a result didn't ever think she would get married. I relate to her on that point. I guess I thought that we had a bond because of that. But Jana was always a socialite and made friends with many, many, many people, and some bonds would obviously be stronger than others.

She's one of those girls that I always wished I could be like. Outgoing, adorable, hilarious, sweet-hearted and very pretty. I knew through college that we'd never be best friends but I thought I'd win a place in her life enough that she'd let me know along with others when she got engaged. I really did. Maybe she just lost my phone number...I did switch phones.

Sigh. Anyway, that's my lament. I hate lost friendships, or even lost ideas of friendships.

I hope I at least get invited to her wedding. If I do, I'm going to endeavor to go to it. Even though it'll probably be in Idaho.

You know what I wish? Ever since I got into planning my own wedding I've wished people would come to me for advice on wedding, marriage, etc. And after I dated Nate, I wanted to be the person people came to about relationships. What does it take to be the kind of person who people want to come to? Is it because I'm shy and afraid--is that why I can't be fulfilled? I feel so trapped at times like this. Will I ever be that person I want to be? Will I ever be that friend I want to be? Can't God perform some kind of miraculous change that will forever cast aside all my fears? How much of this change that I want have to be my actions?

Am I valuable to anyone but my husband and my family? Will I ever be able to keep real friendships alive? Is this all my fault? Dear God, it must be. Is there anything I can do?

A person who pours her heart out. Self-defeating when I decide people don't want to be my friend anymore and therefore don't make any endeavors to revive the friendship.

This isn't good at all.

-Stephanie

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