Recently I did the "Top 5 Things I Wanted to Be as a Kid" on Facebook.

My top 5 were: Astronaut, figure skater, artist, author, and singer. One of my friends did the top 5 after I did and wrote much more practical things down (except the first :) ): president of the United States, lawyer, teacher, talk show host, and personal counselor. I commented on how much more practical she was and she told me she actually doesn't remember ever thinking about what she wanted to be as a kid, which surprised me. I definitely remember thinking about what I wanted to be. I remember writing it down in some work booklet or one of those children's activity books that asks you to write down what you want to be. I remember writing the words "astronaut" and "ballerina" at different times in my life, although I couldn't tell you where I wrote them.

What's interesting is I think I knew I was dreaming. I knew that what I wanted to be weren't necessarily things I could be practically, or things that I even really, truly wanted to be... If that makes any sense. I had no idea what I wanted to be or could be, so I just let myself dream all I wanted.

So here I am 15 years later, a college graduate, and I'm still asking: What do I want to be when I grow up? I've been genuinely searching for the past couple of months--since that interview that told me that I really did not want to be what I was putting all my time and energy into applying for. I can't give a convincing case to a potential employer if it's a job I don't actually want, and--go figure!--the potential employers in question figured that out. So I gave up looking for those kinds of jobs. Instead I've spent my days thinking, praying, and, yes, dreaming. But most of all waiting.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. -Ps. 27:14.

I picked up volunteer work with Medical Teams International in my waiting. I went to a volunteer orientation meeting where people could decide where they wanted to volunteer. And Ann, the woman who was running the meeting, mentioned the REAL. LIFE. Exhibit. The REAL. Life. Exhibit is a self-guided, walk-through exhibit that takes you through parts of the world that have been struck by poverty, conflict and disaster. (See website here.) Ann explained that they do schedules tours and open houses throughout the week. High schools and middle schools take their English classes, social studies classes, etc. through the exhibit. Youth pastors take their youth groups through it. College students, senior citizens and adults go through it. And the volunteer positions require only introducing the exhibit to the groups that come through, and helping groups talk through it at the end.

It sounded great to me. A chance to open teenagers' eyes to the world around them? The world I've had a heart for for most of my life? Wow, that sounded....perfect.

I signed up, Ann ran things through with me once, and I picked some dates to volunteer. The first one I signed up for jumped off the page at me: an ESL class. Could this get any more perfect? An ESL class in ******* could contain so many different ethnicities and races and so many different languages! I can't tell you how much I've fallen in love with refugees and immigrants since college. I love them. I love that they come here for the purpose of change and safety and hope.

I wasn't at all disappointed with the ESL class. There were kids from Somalia and south Asia and Ukraine and Mexico. I got to help a couple African girls fill out their worksheets, and I got to see the tall, beautiful Somalian girl be touched by the same things I am touched by. I got to help two African girls along in their journey to understand English, the language that can change their entire future. I got to hear a Latino boy voice his genuine desire to make a difference. It was the most beautiful experience.

The next group I volunteered with was a small group of 15 youth group students. It was a dramatically different experience. They were all girls and were very quiet and mature and all took the exhibit's meaning to heart. It was beautiful to see that as well--but I didn't have the same fire as I did getting to be with the ESL students. Somehow their broken English made it all so much stronger.

It struck me after I helped that second group and as I continue to volunteer with my Kurdish-Iraqi refugee family that ESL students, especially refugees, set my heart on fire.

This week I did a search on how to get a TESOL certificate in ******, and learned that a local college has a 15-month master's program for TESOL. I e-mailed Admissions about it and they said they would send me an application packet.

I still don't like the idea of teaching in a public school. But with an official TESOL certificate I might be able to get a paid position teaching refugees English.

It's not official that I'm going back to school, but I am looking into it. Pray that God will keep giving me wisdom and guidance, and that He will open doors for me to find my calling in life. Also pray for courage. I'm afraid that people will start trying to tell me what to do and in what time frame instead of letting me decide in my own time. Fear [of what others think] has always been a driving force in my life, and I want faith [in what God thinks] to drive me instead.

-Stephanie

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