I do apologize to any males that come across this entry. It's about your least favorite topic to talk about as far as women are concerned (their cycles).

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Ugh. I'm tired of this.

So while I'm still on birth control and it really should be working, every month Stephen and I both start to worry, when I take that last patch off, if my period's going to come this time. Every month we wait with baited breath, sometimes more fearful than others if my body's not acting quite right, and we pray that God's will will be done (but please, God, we don't really want a baby right now!).

This month was worse than others. My body was acting slightly different, and my period came late. Only by 6 hours--but that's enough time to get me and Stephen really worked up.

I was trying to prepare myself adequately (and probably failing miserably) for the idea that it might not come, and trying to trust God with whatever happens (and also failing miserably). So this morning when I finally saw the usual dark spotting that happens at the beginning, how do you expect I reacted? Relief? Joy? Nope. I wanted to cry. And after I was done wanting to cry, did I feel relief and joy then? Nope. Then I was angry and disgusted. Sigh.

I'm just so sick of getting so worked up--BOTH of us getting worked up--and trying to prepare ourselves for a BIG BIG change, only to find out that that change isn't going to happen after all. I just wish I could have it one way or the other--to know for sure for sure for sure that we were pregnant, or to know for sure for sure for sure that we weren't. There is no for-sure knowing in this realm, until the day my period starts. It's enough to make me want to throw out birth control altogether, say, "God, Your will be done!" and just do natural family planning.

Of course, we probably won't do that. Stephen is much too desirous to have control over his future. We're opposite that way. He would rather have control over his future than over the present; I would rather have control over the present than over the future.

I guess there's nowhere to go from here. It's over; we aren't pregnant. However we choose to take that. One more month until we go through this fear-hope-fear-hope-fear all over again.

How do other young married couples deal with this?

I'm gonna go e-mail Liz.

-Stephanie

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