If I say this, maybe it'll stop going round in my head.

Why didn't I get invited to any of their weddings?

That's a silly question...I live 6 hours a way, for goodness' sake. That must be why. They probably didn't think I'd come out all the way to ******** (4 times in one summer, no less) to see them get married. I would've come to a few.

My old crush, Justin, got married in May.

His ex-girlfriend, Beth, was going to get married next July--now she's getting married in a month.

Her friend Molly is getting married in a week, the same day as the other Justin from the youth group.

We were the core group: Beth, Molly, Brooke, Justin K, Justin D, Michael, Elizabeth, and me. Now we're all married, except Brooke. She's not even dating someone--but I bet she gets engaged within the year.

What I just don't like is how I keep forming emotional ties to people without even letting on, and then I get upset because they never formed the same ties with me. Makes me want to kick myself.

Once upon a time, I was in 6th grade, and our teacher had us look up adjectives that started with the first letter of our names. I decided to go with the first sound of my name--st--since I had just learned that S and T make one sound when said together, which was kind of like one letter. Unfortunately the only option I could think of was Stupid. I knew I wasn't stupid, so I went searching in the dictionary for another adjective that began with st, or at least a word I could create into an adjective.

I had always liked the word "star." So Starry Stephanie it was. A little out on a limb, but I was rarely one to pass over creative opportunity. I thought later, it should've been Starry-eyed, but the length of the word made a little more on the edge of a limb than I wanted to go. Being smart already made me feel awkward in front of others; to make the fact even more conspicuous was against my inner law. Too bad. The kids would've thought I was a genius.

To this day I still think of that story every time I find opportunity to call myself stupid. Like when I hold grudges against people who never knew I cared. :/

-Stephanie

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