This isn't a very fair entry. I was still pretty freaked out. I feel bad now for some of the things I said. But I've learned since that Sam is much more grown up than I thought she was at this time. She would take care of a baby (with lots of help from others), and although it is very convenient that she somehow unregistered herself from her classes, she wouldn't lie and call it accidental. She's been a lot of things, but she's not a liar. She's been lied to too many times.

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So my sister "accidentally" unregistered herself from her classes here and apparently couldn't re-register herself for them? So guess where she's staying for this quarter. In my hometown. With her boyfriend. Hm... That's convenient...

I think we all know she is going to stay there. I just wonder when we're going to have to move all her stuff back over. Maybe we should do it now to save ourselves all the trouble later. I wish she'd just figure out what she wants.

She says she hates the city. My sister, the rebel, the one who hates small-town judgment and drama so much, hates the city, where she can't stick out because there isn't a standard for behavior here.

I do not understand my sister.

Stephen helped me understand her a little better though, a couple weeks ago. It was when I was deathly afraid that Mom was going to tell me Sam was pregnant or engaged. (She had said to me on the phone, "Oh, Sam might be staying in ********, but there's more on that later.") I was freaking out to Stephen, trying just for once to figure out why she does what she does, and Stephen helped me figure out that Sam, aside from not knowing what she wants, also has no commitment or follow-through. That's how we differ. I don't know what I want either, but I can commit, and once I'm committed, I'll follow through.

That's what makes us afraid for her if she gets pregnant. Who's going to take care of the baby? Obviously not Sam, if she never learns to follow through!

Stephen and I keep saying, maybe if she does get pregnant, it'll be a wake-up call for her, and she'll finally learn about commitment and follow-through. Maybe. But do I really wish that on my sister? No... No, I don't. And I certainly don't wish it on a little baby.

How do you pray for something like this? "Keep my sister out of trouble"? "Knock some sense into that foolheaded sister of mine"? "Get her pregnant so she'll finally wake up"? All I can come up with in the end is a dreadful "Your will be done, Lord." I don't have the courage to add, "And give me strength to trust you."

-Stephanie

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