Happy New Year! It's 2010! Coolio.

I was going to try and write a review of my year 2009, but what I actually feel like writing about is Jon's Facebook note, which is what prompted this one. Jon is one of Stephen's brothers and he wrote a note about 2009 in review. He talked a lot about how he learned how worthless he is and how good God is... The kind of stuff Steve's family always talks about. Well, Steve talks about it too.

Anyway, it always bothers me. I am not worthless. I refuse to believe I'm worthless. Stephen would say that's not what Jon said or meant, or his family, he would say, "It's about you being a sinner, not worthless." But somehow when the [last name]s always talk about God's goodness and our depravity it never makes me feel good. Somehow it makes them feel good. It just makes me uncomfortable.

I've had many discussions with Stephen over this. I feel like I always waver in between extremes. Either I go on believing my way and think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread, or I go Steve's way and believe I'm not even worth loving. I can't find that stupid middle ground.

And I don't really think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. I'm very, very conscious of my faults and shortcomings. Which is probably why I have so much trouble the other direction, getting utterly depressed because all I'm looking at is how awful I am.

Which makes me realize I'm not doing it right either way; either way I'm looking at ME and who it makes ME out to be, not at who it makes GOD out to be. But I have serious trouble with God and I have for a lot of years now, and thinking God-centered thoughts is just about the most difficult thing you could ask me to do right now. I mean, if you did, I'd do that, I'd try to concentrate really hard and think God-centered thoughts, but it wouldn't last very long. The minute something stresses me out or worries me, God-centered thoughts are gone; they flew out the window. And a LOT of things stress me out and worry me.

I've been noticing that a lot lately. I get stressed out and worried so easily now. I don't know what it has to do with, our financial situation, trying to learn how to be married, or maybe just Stephen's natural worry tendencies rubbing off on me, but whatever it is, it's really been taxing on my joy lately. And nobody I know seems to have a practical solution to not stressing and worrying. They all just say, "Oh, you shouldn't be stressed or worried, you possess the joy of the Lord!" or "Remember the joy of your salvation!" and then they quote Bible verses at me. What the heck do those things even mean?

It's questions like these that make me doubt my salvation or my faith or anything. Whatever it is I'm doubting. It's all so confusing. How do you even separate those words? I thought they were used interchangeably growing up; I don't think of them as having separate meanings at all now, I think of all of them having one meaning that's just beyond my grasp of understanding! It's so frustrating. And all this against the background of the perfect [last name] family, who never seem to have any kind of doubts, or if they do, they all just wish them away with Bible verses and the joy of the Lord.

I didn't mean that to sound as bitter and sarcastic as it did. I just don't understand.

Sometimes I do get it. Every once in a blue moon--which means, ironically, that I should be getting it now, as we had a "blue moon" last night.

Sometimes I don't get it, sometimes I do. Shouldn't life and faith be clearer than this?

-Stephanie

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