It could all be linked to SAD.

Depression is one of those things that fixes itself more the less you think about it, so I don't want to spend too much time on it here, but I would like to write a few thoughts down.

Back in November or something, I started going to Stephen's chiropractor to see about my carpal tunnel, which had gotten really bad lately. After she'd more or less fixed the carpal tunnel, she worked on my neck and mid-back, and I'd been seeing her for that ever since. Then we switched insurance plans and starting at the beginning of this year, I had to go to Kaiser instead. But I got a recommendation for physical therapy from them. My first appointment was last week and I had another one this week. Last week the therapists gave me a nice massage, and I hoped for this week a little bit harder of a massage. But this morning I woke up severely dizzy, and the same thing had happened on Friday. I could hardly stand upright when I got out of bed. The more I stood up, the more it wore off, but at the therapists' I was still fuzzy-headed and dizzy when I moved my head this way or that. So they decided because of the dizziness, they wouldn't do any work on me this week. Instead, they recommended I see what my doctor had to say.

I didn't actually get to see the doctor. An assistant nurse or whatever took my blood pressure three or four different times--twice while sitting, once while laying down, once while standing up. When she was finished she told me to wait for the nurse. It took her forEVER to come in, but when she did come in, she was quite helpful.

She asked me if my eating habits had changed any, and I said, "Not in the last week, but in the last few weeks I haven't been eating very well." She asked me why, which for some reason, I hadn't even thought about answering. I had to think a minute, and when the answer finally dawned on me, I felt like crying. "Depression," I said. It's too true. I've been dealing with SAD (seasonal affective depression) for months.

She hooked right into that, of course. "That's something we want to take very seriously," she said, which I completely understand. I turned down her suggestion for medicinal treatment, explaining that I don't have suicidal or harmful thoughts, but I accepted the suggestion to see my doctor on Friday.

I've known for a while that my appetite has been poor because I have little motivation to eat. That's what this depression is--very little motivation. The nurse described it as an "overwhelming melancholy," which seemed to me to be the PERFECT words to describe it. An overwhelming melancholy. That's what I"m facing.

The nurse I saw talked about getting exercise and actively looking for a job--things that will give me a "boost." She used that word--"boost"--and all of a sudden things started making sense. "Boosts" are things I've been looking for for MONTHS. Just as long as I've been feeling depressed, really. I keep thinking things like, "I want to go shopping." "I want to eat out." "I want to buy some make-up." I knew I wanted to do these things because they would give me a little boost of happiness, and it dawns on me now that I wanted those boosts because of the seasonal depression I'm facing.

When you're depressed, you want things to make you happy, so you turn to things that you know you love. For me, it's buying stuff, going places, doing things, working with color, etc. Lately I've been poring over home decorating magazines and books and also over flower arranging, both things that work a lot with color. I checked out the "Color Scheme Bible" from the library and it definitely gave me a "boost" just looking at all those beautiful colors.

It doesn't help that I live in one of the grayest, wettest places in the United States. Winter goes on forever here. It starts in November and ends sometimes as far away as May. Rain, rain, darkness, and more rain. Overcast skies--which in the past I haven't minded much, but this is deeply overcast. There's "thick blankets of clouds," and there's a "thin veil of clouds." Where I live now, it's definitely the former; where I used to live and at school, it was the latter. I loved that thin veil of clouds. It was so easy to imagine it disappearing with just a sweep of God's hand, and oftentimes it did just that. Here, it's like God would have to get half his angels to help Him move the clouds away.

I know that's blasphemous. It's just an exaggerated statement to help get my point across.

Anyway. Bottom line #1: The heavy gray skies depress me. Bottom line #2: That depression is the base holding up a whole sculpture of other problems. I am depressed, so I am completely unmotivated, so I don't eat or drink enough, I don't get out and exercise, I don't look for jobs. I don't eat or drink enough, so I get dehydrated (causing my dizziness) and get headaches and feel sick. I'm unmotivated to get up and do anything, so I sit at my computer all day (causing my neck problems AND carpal tunnel). And I look for temporary, easy-to-come-by boosts, because they're quick and easy. They also cost money, which I know we don't have, so I don't get those temporary boosts, so I get more depressed. Yeah. It's a terrible cycle.

So I'm going to try walking agin. It's not raining today--just overcast. The nurse said even something as small as a walk could help, and I'm definitely up for small things.

But first I ought to eat something. I think I'll go get a pasta salad at the grocery store, and maybe buy some ingredients for making food later this week.

That's all, I guess... Wish me luck.

-Stephanie

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