My sister joined the Marines and she goes to boot camp on Monday. I was okay with it, just emotional at the thought of her being gone for 13 weeks and then 5 more and coming back a changed woman, but then I read a detailed article about Marine boot camp and the training that follows and realized they're really training for war. As in, my sister could go to war. And I got slightly panicky. And I'm still slightly panicky. This was just supposed to be a training for her to learn a few lessons in life, like appreciation for life, how to show respect to people, and that she should put others before herself. And it's just now dawning on me that this could mean she goes to war. Like, real war, as in dust and enemies and people trying to kill her. Um. This is not cool.

I just decided I am against war.

Kind of like I decided two months ago that I support the troops.

Oh God... Please, please, please be with me... I can't handle this. I mean I literally cannot handle this and I need you. And it's been so long since I've said that. Oh God, teach me to lean on you solely for my strength; I want to be your child again. I want you to be my everything that I lean on again. Oh God, please take me back!

I am having such trouble believing that this is happening and real.

God, it was only supposed to be a lesson for her... What have we done? We didn't know what we were doing, God. What have we done? Please send her back!

In my heart, I know this has got to be the best way for her to change her destructive ways. And I do pray for God's will, and apparently it's His will that she goes. So I've got to trust Him, but it's so incredibly hard.

I'm not worried about Sam surviving boot camp, except for the health problems she's had (brought on in part by her own lifestyle choices, which will be changed completely, I have no doubt). If anyone can survive intense physical exertion and mental exhaustion, it's her. That girl can survive anything. But it's just that she might choose to be a "lifer," like Stephen's brother, which would mean I would see very little of her anymore, and I don't know how I could or would deal with that.

This is making me realize how much I rely on myself to be stable and get through things, and how little that is actually my own doing. Ugh.

There are so many reasons that this is a good thing, for me, for my family, for Sam, for everything. I just can't see the good that will come of it yet, because it just started. Not seeing it yet is what makes me uneasy.

Ugh. I need to stop writing this, because I'm getting dragged down by it. I need to concentrate on what I know, what I see, what is good in my life. Not the uncertainties that terrify me. I love my husband, and God is going to take care of me. That's what I need to focus on.

And I'll try to believe that God will take care of Sam, too. That's a lot harder!

-Stephanie

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