Kind of along the same lines as my last one. I just made a new entry because the last one got really long.

On Saturday, I experienced a similar dadless moment to the one I just wrote about. Stephen and I went to the wedding of one of his old family friends. One of the first things I noticed was that neither the bride's nor the groom's fathers were listed as being seated at the beginning of the ceremony. I worried that neither of their dads were in the picture, but that seemed highly unlikely, given Stephen's report of the bride and her family. I found out later that they weren't seated because they had other parts in the service. The groom's father actually preached the ceremonial message--the homily, I think they called it. It was while he was up, about halfway through, there that I felt the familiar inner pang. Weddings make me want to cry anyway, whether I know the couple or not, and I think this is why.

It just wasn't fair. That's what that pang feels like. It wasn't fair that Stephan (the groom) and Abigail got to have their dads speak at the wedding and tell funny stories about them when they were kids, and talk about how proud they were of their daughter or son now. My dad doesn't have any funny stories to tell of my childhood, because he wasn't there. He didn't speak at my wedding, because he didn't come. I don't have a functional, loving, two-way relationship with him, because he wasn't there. And it's not fair. It's not fair.

One thing that makes me angry or frustrated is that Stephen's dad can't be my dad. Stephen tells me he would be happy if I looked upon him as my dad, but I just don't agree... I think he'd be weirded out. Stephen's folks are big into healthy, firm boundaries, which is fantastic. But it also means that once kids are grown, they're grown. They aren't children anymore. I feel like if I tried to make Stephen's dad my dad, he'd say, "Well, aren't you a little old to need a dad?" or something like that. He had a rather rough childhood too, and not a very good relationship with his father, I don't think. They still have their tense moments; Grandpa Bicker is a stout Baptist, and Stephen's family is astutely Presbyterian.

And I just don't get along with him well enough. That's the real kicker. We have some major personality differences, such that he makes the hair on the back of my neck bristle sometimes. No... If there was anybody in my life who looks most like a father I would have needed, it's Elizabeth's dad. He's kind of strict, from Liz's report, but mature and so loving and tenderhearted inside. "Tenderhearted" is the key, I think. "Tenderhearted" is not a word I would use regularly to describe Stephen's dad, LOL. I don't think it's even a word he would use to describe himself! He is extremely logical. In fact, I think he believes he'd be better off without a heart at all, because logic is the best answer to everything at any time, and listening to your heart just messes things up. I can practically hear him saying that. Anyway, I strongly disagree! Exclamation point! When it comes to the T-F spectrum (on Myers-Briggs), we're about as opposite as you could get. But Liz's dad and I are a lot closer in personality.

So it's really frustrating. I'm still on this endless hunt for a dad to be my dad. My logical head (thank you, Steve) says I'll never find one; no person on this earth could ever replace the man who is really my father or the childhood I had. But my heart still wants to find one. It's frustrating.

Hey, God, do you think you could help me out a little down here? I know you're the only one who can fill me up, so could you, like, do that already? Can I just stop searching, please? Are you there? Do you care? Are you the God I loved as a teen? I wish you could talk.

-Stephanie

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