Spent a lot of today crying and talking through some stuff with Stephen. We talked about identity.

I know my identity is supposed to be in Christ, but I don't know what that looks like when it works itself out in real life. Should my likes and dislikes depend on Christ? But Stephen said something interesting that stood out to me. He essentially told me that who you are is based on what your values are.

I was extremely difficult for him, and I hope he can forgive me. I wasn't feeling particularly moody. I was just facing some tough questions that I didn't quite want answered. You know those questions that you really wish weren't answered a particular way? And the ones you wish were?

So, my identity is based on what my values are. I truly believe I have my values pretty grounded. I'm not sure how to articulate them, but I feel as though I know when they are trounced upon. Stephen articulated some of them: I value truth, mercy, and love.

I value deep understanding, too. I cannot count how many times I have accused Stephen of not thinking deeply enough through things. They were primarily at the beginning of our marriage when I found myself disagreeing with him more. He insisted he had thought through things--but I believed that if he had truly thought through things, we would agree upon more.

One other thing I learned about myself today is that I am so impatient when it comes to learning lessons in life. I don't mean I lose my temper when I don't learn them fast enough. I mean it is such a discouragement to me when I do not learn them fast enough. Especially in the (more and more frequent) occasions where I know what I am supposed to learn, yet still have not learnt it. I do not understand in the least why, if I know what I am supposed to learn, that does not automatically mean I have learnt it. It is incredibly frustrating.

But knowing you need to learn proper punctuation in order to become a writer doesn't automatically mean you know where every period and semicolon go.

I'm not sure how Stephen deals with it--knowing the big picture, but not the details. The general direction but not the exact path. It is a true test of faith for me. I earnestly hope it won't always be this way.

I think this is about as honest with myself as I can be right now.

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