You know, I'm really not that dismayed that I can't seem to throw a party. What is dismaying is not knowing why my efforts to meet up with people seem to go badly. I keep being told I'm supposed to be a friend to make a friend. So I'm trying to be a friend and create get-togethers where we can talk and have fun. But I've done it twice and both times all of my friends have said no.

That isn't the only thing bothering me today.

I was meeting with Michelle today. She's this lady from church that started talking with me after I put in a card to the church with a request for a mentor. I like her, but I've never felt a connection with her that would enable me to trust her to the point where she'd become a mentor for me. I like her, and we have a lot in common as far as family background goes, but we're pretty different people.

Anyway, we've been meeting as a sort of mini book-club (just the two of us) every other Thursday. Today we got to talking about interpreting Scripture, which is the first time we've ever bumped up against something that is currently very touchy for me. Our differences were this: I said that if church was centered on good teaching, it may not draw believers en masse, but I think we'd be more effective. Michelle's point was that it is mainly through daily time with God we can be effective. Her point is that it's through personal relationships that we draw people to Christ. She isn't unsupportive of good teaching, but she thinks only good teaching would not cut it.

So we began talking about daily devotionals, and I revealed to her (and am revealing to you) that I do not trust myself to draw truth out of Scripture in my personal daily devotions. I draw truth from what my husband says, what the pastor says, what my parents-in-law say is true. Because 1) they've thought good and hard through it all, 2) they are extremely biblically-based, and 3) my husband is the spiritual head of the household, therefore what he believes ought to be what I believe.

Michelle disagreed with my third point, which has been the main drive of my theological probings anyway. She said I'm capable of hearing God speak to me through His word, too, because I also have the Holy Spirit. But what Michelle doesn't know is that this third point I have come to is connected to a long and heavy battle with the whole wifely submission, head-of-household idea, which is connected to our difficult engagement, which is connected to my mother's fiercely independent, anti-men ideas. It's also all connected to the fights Stephen and I had over Reformed theology versus Wesleyan/Arminian theology. I'm not an unintelligent woman and I have my reasons for everything. They are more often than not connected to personal experiences and personal pain. Not a result of an empty-headed nod to Ephesians 5:22-24.

Inside, I know I'm still fighting with Stephen, I'm still fighting with Reformed theology, I'm still fighting with strict interpretations of the Bible. Is this the result of my college experience? Is this the result of an honest belief in my heart? Is this the result of pride? Is this the result of some mental disorder? (I have seriously wondered that several times. I think of my father, who, from all appearances, is literally disabled in the area of seeing things from other people's perspectives.)

The only thing I want to do, Diary, is revert to my uneducated days and scream, "IT'S TRUE BECAUSE IT JUST IS!" and have that be the end of it.

I worry that I'm beyond repair. I worry that I will never be at peace with my husband. I worry that I will never fully open up to anyone because of those deep inner screamings of confusion and lostness.

Honestly, if I were to tie that inner scream back to one thing, it wouldn't be my judgmental days. Not at all. At least then I knew what was, and what wasn't, even if it was based simply on what my family said. No, I would tie it back to my agnostic days. It seems difficult to get back to simple faith once it has been utterly torn down. That whole year (2007-2008) was so damaging to me. And the fact that it is intricately tied to the man I love does not help matters.

It only doesn't help because he is inclined to take too much blame on his shoulders. Talking to him about these things would only make that worse. I don't know if he was always this way. I'm afraid I've made him become so--but only his family would be able to tell me if this were true or not.

Stephen's sacrificial nature is why I have not given him the password to this journal. I know if he read things I write in moments of depression, anxiety, anger, or frustration, he would take them all at face value and feel utterly depressed. But I suppose it's not really normal to show your diary to anyone you know anyway, for that exact reason. At least perfect strangers are able to look at things much more objectively.

I suppose I'm done for now. I wonder what kind of responses this will get?

-Stephanie

One of the things that desperately needs to come to an end is this impossible expectation for me to come up with rational, well-thought-out, unemotional reasons for my beliefs and my actions. But Diary, I have tried SO HARD to tell Stephen not to expect that of me. But it is the only--the ONLY--way he knows how to handle me. Diary, am I really that difficult to handle? Is it really that difficult to let someone be the way she is and not expect rational, verbal explanation? When I flew off the hand at my mom's house, my mom NEVER asked why. NEVER. She didn't need to know. Stephen's need to know is driving me to the edge. I'm not sure if it's because he just shouldn't be that way, or if I just do not want to be that known. :/

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