Dear Diary,

The despair is setting in. I'm afraid Steve and I will never have children.

It's hard, watching the stories of my friends' children online, knowing I can't really understand it and can't join in.

It's feels a bit as if we are trying to have children, but are having fertility problems. But the truth is, I really want to start down the road, and have for quite some time, but we're still living in the same place, in the same financial situation, with no real hope of moving out for at least 3 years. And Stephen will not agree to have children until we are in a different financial situation.

"That's very responsible of you," said one gal I was telling a couple weeks ago. Yeah, but she doesn't know how hard it is.

I keep wondering if I want kids for the wrong reasons--i.e. because all my friends are having them. Or because I want to have something in common with my friends so we can actually start talking again. I know that last one is at least true in part.

Is that so wrong? If I see my friends with kids becoming really close, is it so wrong to want the same thing to happen to me?

Anyway. It's just hard right now.

I feel like the Coldplay lyrics:

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And The Turning lyrics:

When you're reaching for the sky
Do you ever wonder why
You always come up empty
But it's still so tempting
It's the same old story

Chorus:
Summers pass
You tell yourself you're changing
Free at last 'cause now you're rearranging
All that was it hurts because
Sleepless nights
Remind you that you're standing
Still between the jump
And where you're landing
Sight and sound will lift you down

Fires bum for just one night
They only give off so much light
Do you really need that
Or are you trying to feed that
Hunger deep within you

You'll never fill that space
Time cannot erase
The emptiness that makes you numb
Search for something real
Maybe then you'd feel the Son

Sigh. Babies will never fill the space left by friends who don't talk to me anymore. Neither will all the makeup and all the clothes in the world, all the volunteer work, or all the social causes. Nothing can replace the hole that people who love me enough to talk to me fill.

I wonder if any of my friends are feeling this way about me. :/

I've got to get me out of this.

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