One of my friends just sent me on a big self-analysis trip with her Fb status update. :) In a nutshell, she was saying that she isn't much of a leader and is much more of a follower, and she was wondering if that was wrong or bad.

I think she's been listening to the world a little too much, with their heavy value on leadership and independence and entrepreneurship (gee, I wonder which country I live in?!). I started to respond, but ended up just analyzing myself to death, which I didn't think was an appropriate response to her post, as she was genuinely afflicted by this question for herself. She did get some good words from others that helped her.

Anyway, so here's my self-analysis that I started to write.

Stephen thinks I could be a good leader, but I really really don't like the idea. A lot of it for me has to do with fear of responsibility, though, because with great responsibility comes great opportunity to screw up in a BIG way. And the thought of screwing up in a big way has been my nightmare for my whole life.

Knowing this about myself, I've often wondered, which is true--that I am gifted for helps, or that I am shirking a different gifting because I am afraid of responsibility?

Of course, from this question springs more questions. Am I supposed to overcome my fear in order to embrace some other gifting, or will God just work through the fear I have and let me continue doing small jobs? Whatever the answer to that question is, what does it mean about parenting? That's one of the responsibilities that I feel like I should fulfill but am scared to DEATH of. And on another note...I don't feel guilty for not pursuing leadership roles. Wouldn't I be feeling guilt if I were shirking another gifting? Wouldn't my conscience feel unsettled? And I could go on without ever reaching a conclusion.

But there are other things I want to write about that I have reached conclusions on. Good things. :)

I had a dream about my ex. Normally dreams about him are always bad dreams. But this dream was different.

In my dream he came to my grandma's house unexpectedly. He was out on her driveway and when I saw him I stopped short. Stephen was in Grandpa's workshop. Without missing a beat, I said to him calmly, "Would you like to meet my husband?" My heart was totally at peace in the dream, as if I had wanted Nate to meet him for a long time, as if they would just be friends and all the drama would be gone. It would be OVER.

In my dream, though, he didn't respond that way. He responded as he always does in my dreams: by crying and looking hurt and begging for me to love him.

But the interesting part was, I felt no stress about it. I didn't feel responsible for his feelings anymore.

WHAT A GREAT RELEASE!

Now, that's just a dream, and I don't think it perfectly reflects reality yet, but I think it shows a step. When I see him again I don't imagine I will be perfectly at peace like I was in my dream, but I think it will be easier. Obviously within my own mind and heart I am at peace. Hooray for that!

I guess that's really all I had to write. I have tons to do today... Life is officially NUTS as of this week! We have company coming over today and tomorrow, and then Thursday night is Bible study and Friday night the girls of the old young marrieds' small group are having a craft night. Saturday I'm probably going to another holiday bazaar and then Sunday we'll be leading our small group. Monday we'll be visiting with my aunt Gail, hopefully, and then Tuesday we'll be packing to visit Stephen's family and then BAM it'll be Thanksgiving "weekend"! We'll be gone Wed.-Fri. and then coming back, because I work Saturday. Boo. :(

And then it'll be Advent season.

And then it'll be Christmas.

And then it'll be 2013.

The year we *MIGHT* be moving.

AAAAHHHH!!! Life is going so fast!! :P Lord, help me keep a steady pace!

-Stephanie

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