It hurts less today, so I think I can write about it now.

Stephen got his first check of the year yesterday. So we could finally see what kind of effects the fiscal cliff deal would have on us. It turns out that the new taxes, plus the hike in health care costs, takes another $100 away from Stephen's paycheck per month. Which brings us down to having only $50 outside of what we already spend on food, gas, rent, debt, etc.

The cold reality of this is that we no longer have the money to move anywhere. And if we did have a baby here, in this dingy, unsafe place, we wouldn't even have money enough left over for diapers.

I say that and it still burns like no other and brings tears faster to my eyes than anything. No baby. Not now and not ever. Something will always take away from us the money that we thought we could put toward raising and feeding children.

This is the only place I've been able to talk about this. I told one other friend, my best friend, Elizabeth. She suggested WIC. But Stephen says he makes too much money for that.

Stephen has told his parents. But basically nobody else can know but my secret audience here. There is no way I could emotionally handle all the people telling us how ridiculous we're being, and how could that possibly be the only option, and why can't we cut the budget here or here or here? I just could not handle that. Maybe in a couple weeks. But not now.

I've decided that since it is apparently not God's will for us to have children right now, and maybe not ever, I need to do SOMETHING meaningful with my life. So I've got my resume all printed out and ready to deliver to florists in the area, but every time I try, something holds me back. I know it's fear of failure/self-doubt. Even though it's small, it is a terribly powerful force. :Z I may just have to trudge to a florist chewing my lower lip and giving the manager my famous deer-in-headlights look, giving a disgustingly unprofessional and unreliable impression. But at least it would involve DOING something.

We've toyed around with the idea of missionary work more than once, but neither of us is brave enough to take that giant leap of faith. In truth, it has become evident to me how little faith we truly have. I keep hearing Jesus' words in my head..."O ye of little faith."

The best idea we can come up with to bring some meaning to our life and fill the hole of childlessness is getting involved with our own church at home somehow. But right now, really, we can't think about the details of what that might look like; we're still very much grieving through this.

One thing I have gained from this experience: I now understand very, very clearly why raising taxes is NOT the answer to a downed economy. It is so opposite of the answer that I finally feel something resembling anger on one side or the other of politics. Never before have I felt anything but apathy. But I understand now. Less money in our pocket = less money to spend = less money to move the economy out of the sludge we're in. What were they thinking? Now I finally understand, after all these years.

So...To end on a not-quite-so-dismal note... I still can't understand this. Yesterday after I had sobbed out all my agony and grief when Stephen told me on his lunch break, and we sat there on the floor holding each other, I felt the stupidest feeling: peace. It was maddening. For once since my resurrection of faith, I wished to just dwell in the agony, depression, and grief and be back to my old inconsolable self. But the peace that passes all understanding was too powerfully present. I don't understand it. It aggravates me, but all I can do is whisper in a fragile voice to God, "I just...had other plans."

So maybe that was more confusing than uplifting. But it's a mystery I can't figure out, and so it tugs at my brainwaves, begging to be understood, teasing me just outside my reach. And although I may not have an optimistic thread to grasp hold of, a mystery is a good second option. Anything to stay away from that insecure pessimist I used to know by heart. Her life isn't something I choose to relive.

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me�practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:6-9

-Stephanie

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