My friend has a way of asking me questions in text that can never be fully answered in text. :P I did my best to her today, but I'm going to think here and type it out more.

But first, since Amy asked, I should explain yesterday's entry. I went to an interview for a floral design position yesterday. He had me do an arrangement, which I did not do very well on, but I really appreciated that he gave me the opportunity to show him what I can/can't do.

He gave me a part-time job as a designer/driver anyway. Probably temporary. I imagine it'll only go until the summer, when business drops off steeply. But I am grateful he offered me anything at all. Finally, PRACTICE!!! I've been praying for the opportunity to just practice for SO long, holy cow. So I'm really glad. And when I think about it too much, I'm horribly nervous (hence yesterday's entry).

But I realized something last night that'll help me with the nervousness. Growing up without a dad to give me approval, and living close to my grandfather, who hardly ever gives out genuine approval, I desperately seek approval from any man I know old enough to be a father figure. The gentleman that owns the shop fits that category, and I've realized I'm doing exactly the same thing with him to start with. And the fact that I'm trying to make arrangements that make money for him makes it so much worse, that it was tying me up in knots of anxiety so tight there was no getting out.

But last night through talking with Stephen, I realized what's going on here. And now that I know that this anxiety is completely unrelated to my talent as a designer, I can divide myself from it. Thank God! So I'm doing much better in that area. I'll still get butterflies, and I still have so much to learn, especially about taking orders over the phone...That especially terrifies me, thanks to my awful Domino's experiences...So I'm just going to have to survive on prayer until I start to get the hang of everything.

So back to my friend's question. "Do you ever feel unattractive?" she asked over text.

Over text.

Seriously.

I floundered forever, trying to think of an adequate response that would be lest than 200 characters long, until she texted me again with, "I don't think you are; I'm just wondering if it's normal to think that way about myself sometimes."

That helped. Even though I wasn't worried at all that she was implying that I was unattractive...LOL! She worries too much about what she says. :) It did tell me specifically what she was worried about, though.

I told her that was normal...And then answered her initial question with, "I get anxious about my zits sometimes, but overall I don't worry about appearance much. Not around people I know that like me for me."

That was the best I could do in 200 characters or less. There was so much more I could've said.

I realized, when she asked, that I don't really worry about appearance much. Which must be hard to believe, since I spend so much time on makeup, and since I like shopping for new clothes and accessories and makeup so much. :) But the truth is, I know Stephen loves me, no matter what I look like. And I know my family loves me because of me, not because of how I look. And my friends are the same.

No, my insecurities don't lie in how I look, but in who I am. I worry that people won't like how emotional I am, how melodramatic I am, how angry I can get, how hurtful I can be, how manipulative I can be, and how much I hate apologizing for my actions.

Actually, now that I write that out, in total, blatant honesty (I've know this forever, just never occurred to me to record it here): What keeps me most from making friends is my own knowledge of my temper and capability of harming people. A temper is a destructive thing, and boy, do I have one. It shows its ugly face in fights with Stephen, in how I treated Sam at Christmas, in how I treated Mindy and Jenny--my two dearest college friends--once in a grocery store when I was visiting them. I still don't know what my problem was that day, and I still haven't properly apologized. Because I don't know how I would do that without bawling.

The worst part is, I know I could do it again. Not because I hate them (I don't), but because sometimes I love myself more.

That is what I hate. I hate myself. The ugly, sinful, selfish, destructive, manipulative, hurtful parts of me. I hate hurting people. I hate that sometimes I want to hurt people. I hate that I have the capability and the will to do great damage to people.

To the part of me that still needs love, it's devastating. Because no one will stay friends with somebody who does this. So I avoid making friends. I avoid establishing close relationships. I keep them at arms-length, or longer. I love them from a distance, keeping them far away from the ugly parts of me.

I don't want to hurt people anymore. But I don't trust myself not to do so.

In that way, I guess, I am like Enna in Shannon Hale's book. Maybe I should write Enna, the sequel. No seriously, that might be a good idea....

Anyway...It'll be interesting to see what people say to this entry.

-Stephanie

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