Reflective Essay

I grew up very sensitive and in touch with my emotions. I think shutting myself off from them began when I was trying to break up with my ex back in 2004-2005. He was very emotionally manipulative when I was trying to break up with him and I often just had to shut myself off to my feelings surrounding him.

I entered college the same time--new place, new living situation, new expectations, new everything. I was afraid to trust anybody with everything I was going through with my ex because I didn't know anyone. Not being able to talk about it made it even harder. I was "rescued" from my now-dear friend Jenny reached out to me and there were a couple good years then, but a lot happened that added up to me shutting myself off from emotions and people again. I honestly haven't even figured out everything that led me there yet, because I'm afraid remembering in detail will hurt all over again.

And basically, that's where I've been ever since--but always with the memory of who I was before everything happened, and always wanting to get back to that spiritual place, that person who lived there.

In the last 3 weeks or so, it feels like God has been answering my prayers and bringing me back to that person, the one who is in touch with her feelings and not afraid of them anymore. But it involves a lot of days like today, where I might cry at the drop of a hat. But every time I do cry, I feel more healed and more myself, my real self, that girl I've been missing.

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Michael W. Smith's "Live the Life" was one of the first cassettes (yep, cassettes) I bought. This is the first song on the album, and besides LOVING the amazing, ethereal beginning of the song, I found the words resonated with me even at that young age (approx. 12-13).

It's strange to hear the song again today and realize how full-circle my life has come. And that I'm finally moving past the "searching" into the "finding."

Praise God...

-Stephanie

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