Back in the thick of the dad drama, I wrote my church a prayer request through their website about it, saying, "I could probably use counseling for this if it's available."

Yesterday, somebody from the church e-mailed me in response to the request for counseling. She said she had looked for my phone number, but it wasn't listed, and asked if I could call her, or just respond with my number and a good time to call me.

So now I'm stuck in this thinking, considering, analyzing phase that comes when faced with a decision to let or not let somebody else in on my life's drama.

The truth is, I am not good at counseling. I've done it lots of times before, but every single time I reach a point where I don't want to let the person in anymore, and I block them out with every defense mechanism I possess. In addition to that, what I was really thinking of as counseling wasn't really counseling, exactly, I guess. What I would like is to talk to somebody and approach this in a problem-solving kind of way--i.e., "Here is this letter from my dad. Here is the history behind it. How should I respond?" That is, in fact, counseling of one sort, but I don't think it's the sort they're thinking of. :/ Hm.

I would like to call the woman and tell her this, but I am afraid of pressuring myself into making a counseling appointment, since duh, hello, I'm the one that requested it in the first place and that's the point of her e-mail and such. Ugh.

The last thing is, I don't think our church has free counseling services. I think they go through a real counseling program that you have to pay for. If it's not free, I can't do it, period. We can't afford it. So... Ugh.

Thinking, thinking, analyzing, thinking, pondering, considering, thinking......

-Stephanie

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