It's funny what things make your life feel more complete and less holey.

Way back in high school when I was pining (okay, obsessing) after Justin, I wrecked friendships because of it, and it left me emotionally damaged. Damaged to know my own selfishness could create that much damage.

When his parents got divorced a few years later, much to the utter shock of everyone that knew them, and his sister and his mom both rather went off the deep end, I got really worried about Justin. The thing that drew me to their whole family in the first place was that their faith seemed so incredibly solid. It shocked me when his mom and sis changed so much.

He almost never writes on Facebook, so when he got married the year after we did, a couple years after his parents' divorce, I was surprised, and also terribly wary and afraid--afraid that it wouldn't last for them and that they'd get divorced and make wrecks of their lives. I guess somehow part of me is afraid that it would be my fault for being obsessive over him in the first place and messing up his relationship with his then-girlfriend, Beth.

When Beth got engaged to her first fiance and it didn't work out, I worried a lot. Again, I thought it must be somehow partly my fault for making rather a mess of her life back when.

But then she met her now-husband and I was able to follow their story online and see that she was truly in love and healed and everything, a piece of me healed. They now have a daughter and while Beth doesn't have a Facebook page, her husband and her mom both do, and I gather that they are very happy, which is just awesome to me.

But Justin and Breann still continued to not post on their pages and I continued to worry if he's okay. But in the last few months, there have been two things that have really encouraged me.

The first was when Justin posted a few things that sounded extremely well-grounded in faith. Like that part of him hasn't changed at all. Wow, did that ever lighten my heart! And even better was, when he posted his last thing, somebody commented and said, "You sound just like your dad there!" Which is GREAT, because it tells me that even though his mom and sister seem to have left the faith, he and his dad have not. That makes me so glad.

And then finally, today I found out that Justin and Breann are, in fact, expecting their first child. :)

There was just something about that that really, really sealed it for me. They're doing all right. They took their time getting to parenthood, but they're taking the dive, and aren't running away from it. It tells me that he's pretty much the same steady guy he always was, which just does my heart so much good. :)

I know it's stupid and self-centered to worry about my sins affecting other people (at least to the degree that I do), but it sure means a lot to me when I see things like this happen. It helps me let go and live freer.

What an odd thing, to worry so much about the affects of your own actions. I suppose growing up in a family that has been so messed up by sin makes me more susceptible to that. I wish I believed more in God's sovereignty over even my sinfulness. I wish I could trust Him more with the people that have touched my life. But for the time being, I love seeing tiny signs of redemption in their lives. I hope eventually that will help me trust God more.

-Stephanie

previous || next

Miss Something?

Social Anxiety with Guys - February 07, 2024

Education Expo with an ADHD Kid - February 03, 2024

Lovely Church Experience - October 22, 2023

Seek Out Community in Christ - August 29, 2023

Grieving Lost Friendships - May 08, 2023